Fili, Kili and The Chocolate Factory
by ApolloNui
Summary: In a modern AU, Kili is one of five winners to tour Woody Wanker's chocolate factory. Chaos ensues as all that can go wrong, goes wrong and dark secrets about the factory are revealed involving hundreds and hundreds of cloned Bilbo's. Will Fili survive trying to keep his little brother out of trouble? Or will he fall to the same curiosity and mischief as well? A Parody/Crack fic.
1. Chapter 1: Prologue

**Chapter 1: Prologue**

Bilbo sat behind his laptop writing stories as he normally would when at the Rivendell Starbucks. He's been in love with the place since it opened in Rivendell almost a year ago. Free WiFi, good coffee, delicious pastries, a quiet and calm place to sit and write, plus the company of elves. What else could he ask for?

He often went two or three times a week. Infact, he was such a regular patron that the workers there knew him by name and what he would order before he even reached the counter. Double Chocolate Chip Grande extra whip, the same every time. The workers enjoyed his company and his bond with them had made his times there all the more enjoyable.

Bilbo was taking a short break from writing and was reading the Middle Earth headlines when he noticed a white haired elf staring at him from the corner of the lounge.

Now, normally this wouldn't bother Bilbo so much because after all, Hobbits were rarely ever seen outside of the Shire. He was used to being given a stare, even some curious questioning. But this elf's stare didn't look like one of curiosity or amazement, it looked like one of concentration and thinking.

The elf had been staring for a long time and it was really getting on his nerves. _What am I a bloody puzzle?_ Bilbo sipped at his drink and continued reading. He could still feel the eyes on him like a red sniper dot.

_Maybe he's looking at something or someone behind me?_ Trying to act as natural as possible, he turned around and acted like he was reaching for something in his bag that hung on the back of his chair. His eyes quickly scanned the scenery. A few empty tables and a wall. He grabbed a pen and turned back around.

His heart dropped when he saw that the elf was gone from his seat. _Should I be relieved or afraid?_

"Are you a Hobbit?"

Bilbo almost jumped out of his seat when he saw the elf sitting right next to him. How he managed to sneak up like that was truly frightening.

"Y-yes. Why?" Bilbo managed to answer. Although he loved meeting new people, Bilbo knew when and when not to trust strangers and so far, this guy was giving him all the reasons not to.

"Oh, that's great!" The elf sported a smile. It didn't look like a genuine smile. It looked more like the fake smile pediatricians give before administering shots. "Do you like chocolate? Is that why you ordered a Double Chocolate Chip?"

"Yes. I like chocolate. Lots of hobbits do." Bilbo kept his answers short.

"What about other candy?" The elf asked.

"Yes, most of us hobbits enjoy sweets. Is there a reason for this interview?" Bilbo began strumming his fingers on the table. Not only did he not trust this guy, but he was actually getting a little irritated by his odd questions.

"I'm sorry, do excuse my questions. I'm a professor at Imladris Tech, I work in the Cosmetic Arts department. Right now we're conducting a study on the effects of sugar on the hair of various Middle Earth races. I'm so glad to have met you, i've found hair samples from Elves, Dwarves, Men, even off a few wizards and I was actually on my way to The Shire to get a few hair samples from Hobbits!"

Bilbo raised an eyebrow. "Hair samples?"

"Yes, but I have to make sure it fits in my study first." The elf pulled out an iPad and looked through a few files on it. "I only have a few more questions, how often do you eat sugar?"

"I don't know. Quite often. I usually eat at least one candy bar a day, sometimes two or three."

"Excellent, that's more than enough. How long have you kept that up?"

"At least a decade."

"That's wonderful. To complete the study, all I need now is a Hobbit who doesn't eat sugar whatsoever to compare with."

"Good luck with that." Bilbo muttered as he sipped his drink.

"Now if you don't mind, I only need a tiny bit, only a few strands." The elf said happily as he pulled out a small scissors.

Bilbo pulled on one of his locks and the elf quickly cut off a few strands and placed them into a little plastic storage bag.

"Thank you for your time! I greatly appreciate it." The elf reached out his hand for a handshake.

"You know... you haven't even told me your name." Bilbo said without reaching for the handshake.

The elf's eyes widened. _Bingo... you're lying about something._

"My name is Wayne. Wayne..." There was a short pause. "Redleaf."

"Ok... You're welcome, Professor Wayne Redleaf." Bilbo said, shaking the elf's hand suspiciously. "Good luck on your study."

As Wayne went back to his seat and began gathering his things, Bilbo calmly walked to the counter. "Figwit!" He whispered loudly.

One of the younger dark-haired elves that worked there came to him.

"What is it Bilbo?" He asked.

"Don't make it obvious, but you see the white haired elf over there in the corner?" Bilbo motioned with his eyes. "Have you seen him around before?"

Figwit looked for a while. "Nope. Never. Why do you ask?"

"He took some of my hair."

The young elf looked at him confused, "You want me to get it back for you or something?"

Bilbo chuckled a bit. "No. He said he works at Imladris Tech, I figured since you go there, you might know him. There's something suspicious about him."

Wayne walked past them with his things giving them an insecure-looking nod before walking out the door.

"Nope. Never seen him around campus. Maybe he's new. Did he say what department he worked in?"

"Cosmetic Arts."

Figwit laughed at the answer "Well... You have a right to be suspicious." Figwit said.

"Why is that?"

"There is no Cosmetic Art's department at Imladris Tech. It got shut down two years ago because of low enrollment. Everything he must've told you was a lie."

"Drat. I gave my hair to a total lying stranger!?"

"He must've figured since you were a hobbit, you wouldn't look into it He's obviously never heard of the great and wise Mister Baggins." Figwit laughed. "I wouldn't worry about it. I can't think of anything he could possibly do with just a few strands of your hair."

Bilbo dug his hands into his hair in frustration. "Did I really just fall for a scam?"

"Relax Bilbo. He didn't get anything important from you, not your credit cards, id, contact information. As far as I know, you have nothing to worry about other than a little lost hair."

"Oh, I suppose you're right."

After returning to his seat, Bilbo Googled the name. Wayne Redleaf. There was nothing.

* * *

**HERE IT IS FINALLY! I know, I announced this on my tumblr well over a year ago and then life sort of... happened. This is just the prologue and it is pretty boring compared to what's ahead and for that specific reason, I will post Chapter 2 today as well. Read and review! It means the world to me!**


	2. Chapter 2: Introductions

**Chapter 2: Introductions**

Five years later.

"Impressive." Kili commented.

"You think dwarves built it?" Fili asked.

"I doubt it. It looks too plain looking. Humans probably."

The factory was indeed an impressive sight. It was enormous. Perhaps 20-30 stories high with many chimneys and smokestacks rising even higher. Although it was impressive in size, the building lacked culture in its design. It just looked liked a giant mass of white blocks and cubes with few small windows in the lower floors with more larger windows and glass walls in the higher floors.

A light snow was falling everywhere, blanketing everything in a thin coat of snow. The two dwarven brothers stood outside of the factory gates with the four other "winners" of the contest they had won. Kili laughed at the thought of it all.

"What now brother?" Fili asked.

Kili was the official "winner" of the two. Five tickets had been randomly placed in five chocolate bars and sent out to the world. The winner would receive a free tour of the factory of the world-renowned candy brand Wanker Candies, with the mysterious Mister Wanker himself being their guide.

One of the main reasons why Wanker Candies was such a popular brand was because of the mystery that surrounded it's owner. Nobody knew what he looked like, or what his real name was. The only thing everyone knew was that he was an elf.

"You want to know something funny?" Kili asked.

"Yes, I know, you stole your Wanker Bar."

Technically still a minor by dwarf standards, Kili only had two years before he reached legal adulthood. So when he found the ticket, he was told he had to pick an adult to accompany him on the tour. He obviously chose to take Fili. He really didn't have any other choice.

Thorin ultimately refused. He hated elves. Why would he want to tour a factory that was owned by and profiting one? Dis hated chocolate and their father had died while serving in the military a long time ago.

The other four winners were all human kids that looked no older than 15 coupled with one parent. Kili didn't seem to care that they were the odd ones out, but for Fili, it just felt awkward.

He let out a sigh, "Were amongst children."

"And?"

"And we're older."

"And?"

"And we're the only dwarves."

"And?"

"Do you not feel just a little out of place?"

"Nope."

He wasn't gonna lie, he loved Kili's antics, jokes and his playful behavior, but the idea of having to "watch" his little brother as though he were a little kid while in front of other actual little kids seemed a little embarrassing. Plus, they were the center of the world medias attention as there was a large crowd of spectators gathered with reporters and cameras all facing them, like germs under a microscope.

"Why do you have to be the only dwarf in Erebor that loves chocolate?" As far as Fili knew, he didn't know of any dwarves that liked chocolate... except Kili. While dwarves had gold sickness, Kili had chocolate sickness.

As for the other four winners, two were boys, two were girls. Both of the girls were with what must've been their fathers and it seemed like they already knew each other as they had been talking the whole time while everyone else waited in silence.

One girl had a large fur coat and fur boots with a Donald Trump-looking man as her father. The other girl looked like she fell out of a teeny bopper magazine. She was chewing bubble gum and wore a shirt that said "I (red heart) 1D" and jeans that were overloaded with rhinestones. Her father looked like a businessman as well.

The two boys were with their mothers. One was wearing a beanie with an enormous swoosh of bangs covering half his face and sported painfully skinny looking jeans that were made to look like they were ripped up and tattered and were expensive because of it. His shoes looked like they were 4 or 5 sizes larger than they should be and he had his eyes and fingers glued to a Nintendo DS-looking thing the whole time since he got here.

Fili wasn't the type to judge but there was something about guys wearing skinny jeans that he couldn't stand. His pants looked so skinny that Fili was hoping for him to drop the gaming device to see how he would squat to pick it up. His supposed-to-look-tattered jeans would probably rip even more, only not in a good area.

They could tell his mother was a conservative type of person by her VERY faded pink oversized knitted sweater with a turtle neck that she wore. She looked rather elder with enormous heavy looking spectacles that magnified her eyes triple their size. Beneath her eyes were bags that made her look as though she would fall asleep at any second.

The last boy made the other human kids look like dwarves themselves. Figuratively speaking, if Bombur were an orange, this kid was the size of a melon. No exaggeration. His mother was the about same size, maybe even larger with a fluffy flamboyant dress decorated with colorful fruit.

"Are they gonna like open yet?" The girl with the 1D shirt asked impatiently with her arms crossed.

As if on queue, the large metal gates groaned and began to slide open. The crowd behind them began to cheer as the ten of them began to walk forward. Far ahead of them, a red set of double doors awaited.

In front of the doors stood a white haired elf wearing a dark purple coat and a top hat. The elf wore a huge smile but his eyes were shielded behind a massive pair of black goggle looking sunglasses.

"Are you mister Wanker!?" The large boy asked.

The elf didn't answer. Instead he just gave them an ushering wave to escort them inside. The red doors opened and the purple coated elf gave a wave to the cheering crowd as everyone stepped in, doors closing behind them.

The lobby of the factory wasn't really interesting. It was a circular room at the entrance with a circular couch that then it turned into a hallway at the other end, like a microphone with doors all around.

The elf took off his sunglasses to reveal dark and piercing wolf like eyes and finally introduced himself. "Hello everyone! And welcome to my factory! As you may have guessed, I am the one and only, the great Mister Wanker!" He gave a little bow as everyone applauded. "I hope you enjoy your time here just as much as we enjoy the time we get to have with you. Now before we begin, we just have a little paperwork to do."

Kili leaned towards his brother. "Is it just me or does he freakishly look like Thranduil?"

Fili agreed. "He does, it's kind of scary."

Wanker lead them down the hallway and into another plain and empty room with a large table on which rested a paper the size of a California King sized bed that was loaded to it's edges with fine text.

"Don't worry, you don't have to read all of it, they're just precautionary measures. Basically it says that while you are here at Wanker Candies, we are not responsible for any injury, accident, lost possession and or death that could possibly occur, but I assure you my factory is safer than any."

Everyone insecurely looked at one another and signed the contract. Fili gave Kili the don't-you-try-anything-stupid-today look that he came to know well over the years.

"Are these our lucky winners!?". Everyone looked to the side of the room as a perky looking woman appeared with a red pixie-short haircut. She walked over and handed Wanker a small bundle of papers.

"Everyone this is Lily, my personal assistant." Lily gave everyone an enthusiastic wave. "She's only here to answer phones and do paperwork." Her eyes flashed in his direction. She may have kept her smile, but it was clear that the comment irritated her. She gave a fake laugh back. "I hope you all enjoy the tour!" She smiled and skipped off again. _She must've been a cheerleader in her high school days_. Fili thought to himself.

"Mister Wanker?" the fur coated girl began to ask.

"Oh please, call me Woody."

Fili, Kili, and even a few others chuckled immediately at the revelation.

"Woody? Woody Wanker? That's your full name?" Asked the boy who was still playing on his gaming device.

Woody's eyebrows pinched together in irritation. "Yes, as a matter of fact it is. Do you have a problem with it?"

Everyone shook their heads.

"Good. Actually, you now what? This is a good idea, why don't we all introduce ourselves to one another and get comfortable if we haven't already. Go on now."

Fili gulped. He was never the social type. He hated meeting new people. Especially young human kids.

Before Fili could move anywhere, he found himself face to face with the large boy's belly. "My name is Augustus Doop!"

"Pleased to meet you! I'm Fili and this is my brother Kili." The two brothers shook his hand, noticing afterwards that his hand had been messy with chocolate that he had been eating earlier. They both had to wipe it off on their pants. His mother made no effort to introduce herself. Being so large, Kili wondered if it was because she simply didn't see them. From the babble of the other adults, they learned her name was Debbie.

"You guys are pretty cute for dwarves..."

Fili looked up and found the fur coated girl now standing in front of him and the 1D shirted girl standing in front of Kili. They were staring at them the way spoons would stare at bowls of ice cream.

"I'm Violet Boudegarde" pronounced Booty-Guard, unfortunately for her.

"And i'm Veruca Zass."

Kili felt his lungs spasm trying to hold back his laughter. "Who's Zass?" He asked, only to be hit in the stomach by his brother causing him to cough.

*cough* "I'm Kili."

"Fili... I'm sorry, what was your names again?"

"Her name is Veruca and she is my daughter." Said the man who looked like Donald Trump. "Good afternoon my fine young gentlemen... or dwarves. I'm Montgomery. I've been campaigning for Senate in recent elections. You might have heard of me."  
Neither of them have ever heard of him in their lives. They would've remembered anyone with that kind of ridiculous haircut. Montgomery gave them unusually firm handshakes as though they had made some sort of business agreement.

"And i'm Violet's father. George Boudegarde." Said the other business looking man as he approached and greeted them in the same manner. "Me and Montgomery are sort of like business partners. We helped each other find two of those tickets. We'd do anything for our precious little daughters."

He suddenly spun around and grabbed the two of them and held them both, one under each of his arms, and brought them together in some sort of awkward huddle facing away from everyone else. "And for the record, just so you know..." He began quietly. "Both our daughters are single."

George gave them both a wink and a smile before releasing them from his tight grasp. Kili felt a lump form in his stomach. They were then approached by the last parent.

"Hi, i'm Cheryl." she introduced herself as they shook hands. "I'm an elementary school teacher."

"I'm Fili"

"Kili"

"Nice to meet you." She looked around for her son. "Mike?"

Mike hadn't introduced himself to anyone yet and it was pretty obvious he didn't want to. When he heard his mother's voice he rolled his eyes and finally looked up from his gaming device.

"What mom!?"

"Come here, I want you to make some new friends!" She had a very childish demeanor towards him. Maybe her glasses weren't strong enough to notice her own son had aged past 10?

"Go on, don't be shy. Tell them your name." She insisted.

"Mike Hawke." He muttered.

Then it all made sense. _Sheesh. I would hate introducing myself too if I had a name like that_. Fili thought to himself. To Kili, it was a joke.

"Who's c-" Fili stomped on Kili's foot before he could finish the inappropriate question.

"My brother was asking if you were a gamer."

"Duh." He answered rather rudely.

Fili felt a little pity for the kid so he really was making an effort to befriend him. "Is that a Nintendo DS?"

"Seriously? Have you guys been living under a rock? Oh yeah, that's right. You have. You're dwarves! It's a Nintendo **THREE-**DS. Get out of the stone age."

"Mike! That's not how you make friends!" Cheryl scolded as he marched away. "I'm so sorry. He's going through a phase right now." And she followed after her son.

Fili sighed. "This is gonna be a long tour."

* * *

**THANKS FOR READING! Hope you guys like it so far! Besides that, I don't really know what else to say about this chapter other than I had fun writing it. Sometimes you just need to vent through text, the fashion and trends that younger kids do these days.**

**Next chapter will be up next week!**


	3. Chapter 3: Candied Paradise

**Chapter 3: Candied Paradise**

"Shall we begin?" Wanker asked. He was leading them down a long plain looking corridor with a single door at the end.

"I vwant chocolate!" Screamed Augustus

His mother was quick to argue. "But Augustus you're eating chocolate ash vwe speek!"

Kili couldn't help but wonder if they were speaking with German accents or if they just naturally spoke that way because of the chubbiness of their cheeks.

"Not to my worry my dear Augustus, you will be delighted to see the contents of our first room!" Wanker assured him.

"Is the hallway getting smaller?" Cheryl asked.

George began to touch the ceiling "I think it is!"

"Doesn't really matter for us." Fili laughed. The two brothers began laughing as the adults began to crouch and duck under the roof.

Montgomery's combover was falling apart as it was rubbing against the ceiling. "What is the meaning of this Mister Wanker!? Is this some sort of funhouse?"

"If you're not having fun then obviously not."

Everyone looked at one another confused as they finally reached the door at the end, with everyone behind Augustus. By then the hallway had shrunk to the point where Fili and Kili had mere inches of space above their heads.

"This door..." Wanker began. "Leads to the heart of my entire factory."

"It would be nice if we could see the door."

"Violet! If you have nothing nice to say don't say anything!"

Debbie scoffed at the comments. "Augustus, moof to the side so everywan else can see!"

"But zere is no room!" Indeed there wasn't.

"Zen back up!"

Everyone gasped in disagreement.

"NO! No!" Kili pleaded "I think we're fine! Wanker just open the door!"

Wanker grunted and opened the door. Augustus couldn't wait and he barged through quickly, knocking Wanker to the ground.

"You're welcome." The elf mumbled as he stood back up and dusted himself off.

Everyone stood in amazement at the first room... Well, _most_ of them anyway, Mike still had his eyes glued to his Nintendo 3DS. Everyone else had their eyes staring everywhere, soaking up the vibrantly colored scenery. It was a gigantic room, larger than several football fields and everything in it seemed to me made of candy with a river of liquid chocolate flowing through the middle that opened up to a small chocolate lake, complete with a small chocolate waterfall at the far end.

"Smells like candy in here." Kili commented.

"That's because it is!" Everyone turned to Wanker in amazement. "Everything in here is edible! Everything in here is candy!"

"Impossible!" Cheryl gasped

"Oh very possible indeed. That chocolate waterfall over there is what mixes my chocolate. We are the only factory that mixes chocolate by waterfall."

"Besides that, what is the point of this room?" Veruca asked.

"To randomly have a gigantic room filled with a completely edible dream landscape made of candy of course."

"Yes, but why do you _need_ a gigantic room filled with a completely edible dream landscape made of candy?" Veruca barked back.

"Exactly."

Veruca looked at her father as though she were commanding him telepathically to come up with a way to argue against it. He just shrugged in confusion.

"What is that up there?" George asked as he pointed to the roof.

Hanging from the ceiling was an enormous spacecraft/UFO looking machine with a series of dangling clear pipes that hung down towards the chocolate lake. The machine moved and behaved much like a spaceship from a sci-fi movie. It spun, twirled and even made mechanical whirring and humming sounds. It sounded almost like something out of The Jetsons.

"That machine sucks up the chocolate from the lake and distributes it around the factory."

Fili got uneasy vibes from the machine. After all, it was very ominous looking. For all he cared, he wouldn't be surprised if it suddenly began firing heat rays at them. He wondered if his brother felt the same. He guessed not when he saw Kili pretty much drooling at the sights around him.

"So..." Kili began as he inched closer to a jelly bean growing tree. "Can we-?"

"I was beginning to think no one would ask. Feel free to enjoy!"

Augustus ran off faster than the others thought possible for a boy his size. Everyone else scattered and began exploring candied paradise, sampling and indulging whatever they pleased.

* * *

Kili was running as fast as could through a lollipop forest with his brother quick on his heels. "Fili, this is amazing! Now are you happy you came with me?"

"I suppose so." Fili grinned. He never had a sweet tooth for candy, but he had to admit, it was pretty amazing. The two ran through seemingly endless fields and forests of candy-fruited bushes, trees and shrubs, picking off many different candies from all of them. The sweet flavors they discovered were endless. Blueberry, banana, green apple, strawberry, peppermint, cotton candy, watermelon, any flavor you could possibly think of was somewhere waiting to be found.

Soon, the brothers had gotten over tasting and sampling the sweets and began hurling candy at each other the way kids would fly snowballs in the winter. After they got bored with that, they broke branches off the candy trees and began sword fighting with them.

After Fili winning the sword fight, Kili tackling him in disagreement and the short grappling session that followed, the two brothers soon found themselves sprawled out onto the grass, exhausted.

Fili lay back with his hands behind his head as Kili sat up to his elbows. "If only a bow and arrow were easy to make out of candy." He grabbed a handful of grass and sprinkled it on his brothers face.

"Kili! What the- pfft!" Fili first tried to spit it out, but then quickly realized that the grass was made of candy too.

"How long have we been in this room?"

"I'm not sure. Half an hour? 45 minutes."

Kili looked around to make sure Wanker wasn't within hearing distance. "It's actually getting kind of boring."

Fili stood up and grabbed a few candy tree branches and dropped them between him and his brother. Without saying anything he just grinned, plopped down on the ground and pulled out his carving knife from his pocket and started chipping at a branch. His brother quietly did the same.

* * *

"Wow!"

Fili looked up to see Veruca staring their handwork. Fifteen minutes had passed since they began their carving.

"Daddy! Look at what the dwarves made!"

"My my those are quite magnificent." Montgomery commented. "...What exactly are they?"

Fili chucked a but. "Nothing really. We're just carving to pass time."

Indeed, that was exactly what they were doing. Carving designs into candy sticks. They were nice designs, but they weren't making anything of particular use. Perhaps with a little more carving it could be turned into a candy backscratcher? Maybe letter openers?

Within minutes, others from the group began to gather around them. Only Wanker and the two Doop's were elsewhere. Violet and Veruca dropped down to the grass on their stomachs, elbows on the ground with their fists into their chins, feet swinging in the air behind them.

Kili could feel Violet's eyes piercing him like arrows. "Those are very pretty. Can you make me one?"

"Oh! Can you make me one too!" Veruca followed.

"I actually have a request for you both myself." Montgomery chipped in. It was only his words that caught their attention. "Because it seems that both of you are oh so very creative minded. I would love it if both of you joined my marketing team during the next elections to help with promoting my political campaign."

Kili laughed at the request. _You gotta make sure we support you first buddy._

Fili, not wanting to offend him by showing disinterest, acted interested out of pity. "Um... What sort of political campaign is this?"

"We'll, since polls showed that well over 90% of the general public greatly disfavors me, I want something new. Something fresh. I want to show the people that I am there for them!" His voice began to deepen with potential pride. He began talking as though he were behind a podium and in front of a camera, giving an influential speech. "I want to show the people that I will offer myself to them and the shirt off my back if they need it! I stand not just for the people with WITH THEM as well! I am there to serve THEM!"

Veruca rolled her eyes in a he's-doing-it-again sort of way.

"You got a name for this campaign?" Fili asked.

"Yes, it's called Montgomery Zass FOR ALL!"

A burst of laughter had just barely escaped Kili's mouth when he swiftly tried covering it up with a coughing fit.

"It's wide open." Montgomery continued.

Fili was grinning ear to ear with his lips pinched shut as Kili stood up from the ground and turned away as he tried to compose himself.

"Wide open for ideas. It's really open ended. Creatively speaking, there's a lot you guys can do with it." He stopped when he noticed Kili facing the other way, hunched over with his hands on his knees, shaking silently and letting out a gasp of air and a cough every couple of seconds.

"Is he okay?"

"Don't worry, he has a bad habit of spontaneously choking on his spit."

Debbie then hobbled over with a distraught look on her face, while also chewing on a snake sized gummy worm. "Where ees my son!?"

Then they heard Wanker shouting in the distance.

* * *

"What are you doing!?" Wanker screamed. "You're getting your saliva in my chocolate!"

When Fili and Kili arrived at the scene, they found Augustus, on all fours, drinking chocolate out of the river the way a dog would drink water out of a bowl.

"Eww... Backwash." Violet snarled.

"My chocolate! You're contaminating it!" Wanker shouted. He had his hands holding his hat as though there were wind the room threatening to blow it away. "Somebody stop him!"

"Augustas me! Use a bowl!" Debbie scolded and she randomly pulled out a bowl from her purse and scurried over to had it to him. However on her way to him, she tripped over a candy apple and fell forward onto her son, knocking him into the river.

"My chocolate! My precious chocolate!" Wanker kept crying.

Kili was smiling at the rather chaotic scene. "Would be hilarious if someone was recording this."

Debbie got up from the ground and saw her son thrashing about in the liquid chocolate. She began to panic. "Somewan help him! He's drowning! He can't shwim!"

Fili gasped. "Oh no."

* * *

**THANK YOU for reading! I had fun with this chapter. Please comment/review!**

**Some random authors notes, when I wrote this, visually I imagined the shrinking hallway to be from the 1971 classic film and then the candy paradise room looking like how it did in the 2005 film.  
**

**The mention of Fili wondering if the chocolate distributing machine would fire heat rays at them is a direct homage/reference to War of the Worlds... a classic film that is also based off a novel that also had a remake in 2005. **


	4. Chapter 4: Plumbing Problems

**Chapter 4: Plumbing Problems**

"Somebody do somesing!" Debbie cried helplessly.

Nobody moved.

Fili looked around and saw a streetlamp sized lollipop and ran over to it. "Kili! Give me a hand!" The two brothers kicked the lollipop at it's base, knocking it down. Together, they picked it up and then rushed back over to the commotion.

"Augustus, grab on!" Kili shouted as they reached the large candied end towards him.

Augustus kept thrashing.

"I don't think he can see it! He's got chocolate in his eyes." Cheryl warned.

"Bring it closer. Bump him with it so he knows it's there." Fili said as they continued reaching it out to him. But as they brought it closer to him, his thrashes and kicks would only make him drift farther from it.

"Augustus grab on!" Kili shouted again.

Debbie was shaking her fists up and down. "It's no use!"

"Someone's going to have to jump in!" Montgomery suggested.

Fili looked at his brother. "Kili! Jump in!"

"Me? No you!"

"You're the faster swimmer!"

"Yes, but you're the stronger one!"

"No you! Take off your shirt and jump in!"

Violet gasped joyfully in anticipation.

"Maybe you BOTH should jump in!" Veruca suggested.

Then there was a terrible slurping sound. Everyone looked in horror as the large spacecraft looking machine began sucking up the chocolate with frightening power.

"Mister Wanker! Do somesing!" Debbie cried, but Wanker was just standing there watching the whole scene, looking puzzled, like he were mentally trying to figure out a way to defuse a bomb. Debbie shook at his coat violently. "Do somesing! Stop zat machine!"

Wanker looked at her irritated. "I would, but I can't! You think I have a remote for that thing or something?"

"Screw this." Fili said as he dropped the giant lollipop. "We need to hook him with something."

"Fili! There! A candy cane!" Kili spotted and they ran towards it. The candy cane was larger than the lollipop and heavier too. It took several kicks for it to finally come down. But by the time they brought it over, it was no use, Augustus had drifted too far out of reach and was closing in on the sucking pipe.

Augustus gave a few more thrashes and then disappeared below the surface.

"AUGUSTAS!"

Then the sucking noise of the pipe suddenly stopped and the pipe itself emptied of chocolate.

"He's in the pipe!" Cheryl shouted. And there, at the bottom of the pipe was Augustus, still covered in chocolate and stuck like a stump.

"He's stuck!" Debbie cried.

"I suppose that's a good thing?" Kili asked.

"He'll break the machine if the suction isn't restored!" Wanker explained. He was obviously more worried about the machine than Augustus.

"Help!" Augustus' cries were muffled from within the pipe.

"Augustus don't moof!" Debbie shouted at him.

Mike rolled his eyes. "It's not like he can go anywhere."

The spacecraft looking machine started shaking as it's mechanical whirrs and hums began speeding up and rising in pitch.

"It can't take the pressure!" Wanker began panicking.

The machine continued to shake violently as it started to spark. Several of the lights on it burst and shattered as panels began to pop open. Wires were snapping as screws, bolts and other parts began shooting off.

Suddenly Augustus shot straight up the pipe like a puck in a high striker tower, only instead of ringing a bell, the whole machine finally gave way in one final bright flash of sparks. Everyone gasped in horror as the chocolate resumed flowing up the pipe but began squirting out of the many broken holes and crevices in the now breaking machine.

Then Augustus was sucked back out of the machine through another pipe that lead up into the ceiling.

Amidst the chocolate spraying everywhere, the machine let out a few more coughs of sparks and then it all came crashing down violently, creating a single gargantuan splash at the far end of the chocolate lake.

"AUGUSTUS!" Debbie screamed one final time, before she fainted at Wanker's feet. Everyone turned away from the chocolate lake to look at Wanker.

"Where did he go Mr. Wanker!?" George demanded.

Wanker struggled to get Debbie back on her feet "Just give me minute to think."

"What's gonna happen now? Is someone gonna have to follow that pipe to find out where he is!?" Cheryl asked.

"Probably."

"For pity's sake Wanker, you have to do something quickly! For all we know, he could get stuck again somewhere else along that pipe!" Montgomery cried.

Fili looked back to the center of the lake and saw in the distance, an enormous swell of liquid chocolate approaching. With their backs to it, nobody else saw it coming. They only continued arguing and pestering wanker.

"Ki?" He poked his brother's shoulder, not looking away from the sight.

"What?"

"You remember that pool party we went to? The one where Bombur cannonballed off the diving board?"

"Of course. Why?" He followed his brother's gaze and instantly saw what his brother was meaning to get to. They tried to warn the others.

"Um... We need to move." Fili said loudly, jumping up and down to get everyone's attention.

"I think we need to get to higher ground!" Kili cried but nobody was listening to them. Realizing their warning efforts were useless, they ran away from the shore, leaving the bickering others to face the approaching monster.

Montgomery held a finger to the elf as he kept arguing "Wanker! You do realize that if you-"

"LOOK OUT!" Violet shrieked.

Everyone turned and found themselves face to face with a 15-foot wall of liquid chocolate.

There was a thundering crash as the chocolate wave devoured them all and surged inland. Fili and Kili had luckily found a candy tree just tall enough to rise above the ensuing chaos.

The surge was short lived, but still destructive. It knocked down smaller trees, uprooted many candy bushes and coated almost everything in liquid chocolate. Everyone caught in it was drenched and sprawled about among the chocolate mess.

"My glasses, I can't find my glasses." Cheryl searched the ground around her.

Fili and Kili hopped off the tree. Fili found her glasses and gave them to her. She wouldn't be able to see with them anyway, they were covered in chocolate and so was her sweater that she would probably wipe them with.

"Damnit! Frick! My Nintendo 3DS broke!" Mike screamed angrily.

"Mike, I should wash your mouth with soap!" Cheryl scowled.

Violet spat some chocolate out of her mouth. "Drat... I swallowed my gum." She merely shrugged her shoulders and pulled out another piece of gum from her pocket and started chewing again.

Everyone else regrouped. Chocolate was everywhere. Everyone looked like they had risen out of a swamp.

"My fur coat! My boots! Their ruined!" Veruca began crying.

"Don't worry darling, i'll buy you new ones later."

"This is an outrage Wanker!" George shouted. "Look at my alligator shoes!"

Wanker sighed and tried to shake some chocolate off his top hat. "Well i'm sorry, it's not very often I have chocolate tsunamis in my factory."

"Where is my Augustas?!" Debbie screamed "Where does zat pipe go!?"

"Now I remember!" Wanker jumped. "Since today is Friday, it leads to the hot fudge room! Don't worry Mrs. Doop, Augustus will shortly land in a large pot of hot bubbling fudge."

"BOILING!?" Debbie screamed.

Wanker turned around and pulled a cell phone out of his pocket and dialed. "Hello? Lily? Yes, there's been a rather large accident here in the Candy Room. No, no one hurt, at least not seriously. One of our guests has been sucked up the chocolate pipe and will land in the hot fudge room shortly. Don't ask me how it happened! It's a long story! And also, the chocolate distributing machine has been wrecked and now lies somewhere at the bottom of the chocolate lake so while you're at it, get a large group of Oompi Loompis down here to start the cleaning and searching asap. Thank you."

Seconds after he hung up, his phone rang back again.

"What? Oh... I hadn't realize that. Well I suppose it's not that big of a problem." He looked at Debbie with somewhat-concerned eyes. "Just follow the pipe, we'll find him eventually." Then he hung up.

"What!? Is he still stuck in ze pipe!?"

"Yes, actually. Since the machine fell, the pumping stopped, so Augustus is somewhere still stuck in the pipe. Now not to worry, he'll just have to wait until someone finds him."

Minutes later, small people began appearing out of doors and entrances all around the great room. Fili squinted his eyes as some of them got closer. _What are they? Are those dwarves or hobbits?_

They were really short. Maybe just a little bit shorter than dwarves. Besides their height, there was nothing else they could see because these little people were wearing tinted and highly reflective helmets and identical suits that resembled dark gray Nascar uniforms that weren't covered in sponsor logos. Each one of them were indistinguishable from the others. They all looked exactly the same. The only thing that made them different among one another was a number located across their upper back and on the left of their chest.

"Look at them all! What are they?" Violet asked.

Cheryl tried rubbing her glasses free of chocolate. "Are those hobbits?"

"No, those are not hobbits and they're not dwarves either. Those are Oompi Loompis." Wanker explained.

"Oompi Loompis?" Everyone repeated

"Yes. Their bodies are VERY acclimated to their homeland which is a dark and icy island far far up north where it is constantly snowing with no sunlight. Because of that, they have to wear highly protective uniforms which shields their eyes from light and cools their bodies, if not, they'll be blinded and die of the heat exhaustion very quickly."

"That's odd. I've never heard of an Oompi Loompi." Cheryl said. "What do they look like? They must be awfully cramped in those suits."

The Oompi Loompis were swarming everywhere cleaning up the place from top to bottom. They even had small boats already out in the middle of the lake trying to fish out the giant machine that had fallen.

Wanker continued, "They serve as workers all around my factory. VERY obedient and useful." One Oompi Loompi walked up to Wanker and gave him a bow. He wore the number 301.

"Ah, 301!" Wanker crouched down to talk to it. "Listen, take Mrs. Debbie here and starting from the hot fudge room, follow along the main chocolate pipe. You should find her son stuck in there eventually."

Oompi 301 walked up to Debbie and gave a little bow before offering her a hand to take.

Kili whispered to his brother. "I swear that must be a hobbit."

Everyone expected the Oompi Loompi to speak, but instead of speaking, they heard an extremely robotic and computerized voice. "**Greetings Mrs. Debbie Doop. I am Oompi 301. I am here to escort you to The Hot Fudge Room.**" Debbie reluctantly took a hand and was lead away, grouchy and sour faced.

"Goodbye Mrs. Doop!" Wanker waved, seemingly glad to have gotten rid of her.

"Do your Oompi Loompis not have voices or something?" Violet asked.

"Oh they do, i've tried teaching them Common Tongue, but apparently they just can't get it no matter how hard I try."

Montgomery was trying to fix his ruined combover with his fingers. "Then how did he understand you?"

"Every single one of their uniforms comes with a translator that specializes in Oompi Loompi to Common Tongue translation. Inside their helmets, they hear the same computerized voice that we do."

"That sounds expensive." George raised an eyebrow. "How many Oompi Loompis do you have working in the factory altogether? Over 301?"

"ENOUGH WITH THE QUESTIONS!" Wanker shouted abruptly, startling everyone. "Now, if we can move on, we can get cleaned up and get going with this tour."

* * *

**THANK YOU for reading! Hope you guys are enjoying it!**

**This chapter was pretty fun. The whole idea of a miniature tsunami came to me when I was watching videos of glaciers calving in the arctic and the massive ominous waves that they produce when they fall into the water. As someone who lives in Hawaii, I know first hand how scary it can be to be pummeled and tossed about inside large waves. I wonder how different it is with liquid chocolate?**

**Next chapter coming up next week!**


	5. Chapter 5: Row, Row, Row Your Boat

**Chapter 5: Row, Row, Row Your Boat**

"Seems odd." Fili began quietly.

Sitting patiently on a large candy log, both he and his brother waited while the others 'cleaned up', if you were to call it so. Basically, with the help of some Oompi Loompis, everyone was being sprayed down by a strong watering hose. Afterwards, they would stand in front of a large hairdryer looking machine to dry off. It wasn't getting ALL the chocolate, but it was better than walking around the factory looking like swamp people.

"What does brother?"

"Nobody here has ever heard of an Oompi Loompi." He spoke quietly, not wanting anyone to overhear them. "They're literally covered from head to toe AND they have a computerized voice because they can't use their own."

"Why so skeptical?" Kili raised an eyebrow.

"It almost looks like an elaborate scheme to hide Hobbits."

Kili laughed at the answer. "Brother you are quite a conspiracy theorist. But I must agree with you, they do give me a strange almost familiar vibe."

Wanker was the last to clean himself up. "Ok, I think we're all ready to continue!"

Everyone let out a pathetically small cheer of excitement as Wanker began walking back towards the chocolate lake.

"We've already seen the chocolate lake." Veruca sounded disgusted.

"Yes. I'm aware of that."

As they got to the lake, they saw a small dock that harbored a fancy looking boat.

"I give you, the Wanker Express!"

The boat was white with golden elvish vines decorated along it's hull. Inside were red seats. At the bow, an old fashioned looking steering wheel while at the stern, an Oompi Loompi sat next to the tiller that controlled the rudder. Wanker proudly took his seat behind the steering wheel. Fili smiled to himself. _Steering wheel's just for show._

They all got into the boat and Fili and Kili quickly took seats closest to the stern. They liked to sit in the back. Whether it were for school, a movie theater, or anything similar, they always took seats at the back. It allowed for them to talk and goof around more with less chance of disturbing those in front. Fili saw this as a golden opportunity to sit next to the Oompi Loompi and get some curious questions answered.

The stern narrowed quite a bit, so the two brothers found themselves with just enough space to sit on either side of the lone Oompi Loompi. His number was 465.

"Don't worry buddy, we won't bite. We're short just like you." Kili laughed as he shook 465's shoulder.

"Off to the invention room!" Wanker said in a i'm-the-captain-boss-guy like voice. Soon after the engine started, they found the boat slowly moving forward along the chocolate river. The boat was slow moving and despite the surrounding scenery of Oompi Loompi's doing work around the candied landscape, things quickly got boring. The awkward silence was starting to become unbearable until someone finally ended it.

"Tell us some things about you and your factory, Mr. Wanker." George asked.

"Yes, like how did you grow to become such a _chocolatier?_" Cheryl followed.

"We'll, it all started off when I was a very young elf..." Wanker began and soon he was diving deep into a long life story that Fili and Kili quickly got uninterested in.

Fili turned to helmeted figure seating beside him. "So you're an Oompi Loompi?"

465 turned back. **"Yes, I am. I am Oompi 465."**

"Are you a guy or girl?"

** "I am a male."**

"Are there any female Oompi Loompi's?" Fili continued

** "No. Not in the factory."**

Kili look at his brother confused. "Ok... interesting. How many of you are there in this factory?"

** "Well over 650."**

Fili and Kili looked at each other in amazement. "How old were you when you came here?"

** "I was born here."** The brothers were surprised by the answer.

"Really? How old are you?"

** "2 years old."**

Fili scratched his head confused. "Dang, you're pretty young. How long do Oompi Loompis live?"

** "It depends on how useful we are."**

"Useful?" Kili asked.

** "Sorry, i'm afraid I may be giving away too much confidential factory information."**

"Confidential?"

There was a tunnel approaching ahead. A dark tunnel that appeared to have no lights in it and Wanker was still talking about his long and uninteresting life. It was obvious that at some point everyone lost interest as nobody appeared to be listening to him anymore. Infact, Montgomery, Mike and Cheryl were fast asleep in their seats.

In the row in front of them, Violet turned around to face Kili with i'm-trying-to-look-cute-but-failing puppy eyes. "I'm afraid of the dark!"

"And?" Kili answered.

"Will you sit by me?"

"No."

"What kind of information is secret?" Fili asked 465.

** "Information that is given to us after we are created- err, I mean born."**

"Created?"

* * *

"...and then the pink elephant ran away with the recipe, but thankfully, my great Aunt Delilah had a copy of it." Wanker stopped and turned around to look at everyone else. Then he smiled almost devilishly. "You might want to hold on tight, things are about to get fun!"

The boat slowly entered the tunnel, seconds after that, they plummeted. The river dropped into a 45° slope and the boat began careening downwards, picking up speed into utter darkness. Everyone was jolted awake and began screaming in panic.

"Mr. Wanker what is this!?" Veruca screamed

He didn't answer. He just shouted joyfully with his hands in the air as though he were riding a roller coaster. By now, the boat had picked up enough speed to the point where they didn't even feel like they were on a boat anymore, but more like they were falling.

"Make it stop!" Violet shouted as she grasped her father for dear life.

"I can't see!"

"Mr. Wanker this boat has no safety bars!" George warned.

"I know! Doesn't that make it so much more thrilling!"

Fili and Kili were both clutching Oompi 465 between them, screaming in a way that would make their Uncle Thorin cry in shame.

Their screams, along with everyone else's, came to an abrupt halt as the boat hit flat surface once more with a splash into an area that was dimly lit by dark purple lights along the tunnel walls.

"Mr. Wanker, what the devil was that!? Are you trying to give your guests a heart attack!?" George demanded.

"Relax. You're all unharmed. You all need to lighten up a little. Seriously!"

Violet groaned. "Drat... I swallowed my gum again!" before starting on another new piece.

"Please tell me that won't happen again." Veruca sneered.

"Oh, it just might."

"I thought this was a tour, not an amusement park!" said Montgomery.

"Why is everyone so uptight about it? I for one loved it! What is that thing you all say these days? Yolo? Yeah, that's it! YOLO!"

Fili's eyelids drooped halfway down his pupils. _I hate that phrase._

"I'm having difficulty breathing."

Fili and Kili didn't even realize that they were still tightly clutched onto 465 and quickly let go of him, embarrassed. "Oh, sorry. Sorry."

"So yeah, what do you mean created?" Kili resumed his questioning quickly.

** "I'm not allowed to reveal the matter of that information."**

"And why not?" Fili continued.

** "It is to be kept secret."**

"Why?"

Oompi 465 didn't answer, he just shook it's head side to side, only to have his helmet grabbed on both sides by Kili.

"Listen." Kili began with a devious smile. "You can trust us! We are only curious, we won't tell anyone. Right brother?" He looked to his brother who had a slight look of concern. Kili was dead set on seeing how much information he could milk out of the little guy, it slightly bothered him, after all, it was he who said he wanted information in the first place not his brother.

Fili sighed then smiled slightly. "You have our word."

"See? We won't tell anyone. No one."

** "Ok."**

"There's a good guy! There's no need to be afraid of us, right?" Kili playfully hit the side of his helmet which inadvertently set off some mechanism that suddenly opened 465's helmet visor and separated his helmet from the rest of his suit.

_Oh great Mahal Kili, what have you done!?_ Fili thought to himself as he suddenly sat up straight and leaned away from Oompi 456.

"Oh dear... oh dear... What have you done?" Came an all too familiar voice.

The two brothers gasped at the face beneath the helmet.

"Bilbo!?"

Kili immediately pulled off the helmet in disbelief. "Bilbo, what are you doing here!?"

"Bilbo! What? How?" Before Bilbo could say anything else, he was pulled into a strong embrace by the two of them. "What is this? Some kind of surprise? It's so good to see you!"

Bilbo only looked at them frightened and confused before suddenly ducking into Kili's lap, hiding from Wanker apparently. "I don't even know you two! Who is this Bilbo? And, I can't be seen without my helmet! Give it back!"

Fili ruffled a hand through Bilbo's curly hair and laughed "What are you talking about? Not getting enough air in that helmet? What are you doing here?"

"I said, I work here!"

"Your helmet is off Bilbo, you no longer need to stay in character bro."

"What character? I said, I work here!"

Kili eyebrows curled in confusion. "Since when? Who watches over Bag End?"

"What is Bag End?"

"Where you used to live?" Fili answered slowly, trying to figure out where the confusion was coming from.

"I know nothing of it, I said I work here and I also live here! Now give me back my helmet!"

Fili took along hard look at him, then it all made sense. "You're a clone!"

"I'm a what?"

Kili looked at him.

"A clone! You're not really Bilbo, you're a clone of Bilbo! Tell me, do all of you Oompi Loompis look the same?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact, we do! I wasn't supposed to say that but whatever a clone is, sure! I guess i'm one of them. Now give me back my helmet! Please!" The answer left Fili speechless.

As this 'Bilbo' struggled to reach for his helmet, Kili eyes stumbled upon a scar on the back of it's neck. Without hesitating, he pinned the clone down. "Is that a scar?" Kili brushed aside 465's hair and fell silent when he saw that it wasn't just any scar, he had been branded with the numbers 465. The clone was thrashing under Kili's grip.

"They branded you?" Kili asked seriously. Sure, it wasn't the real Bilbo, but he couldn't resist thinking about him as though it were really him.

465's eyes were wide with not just panic, but with fear. "Yes, they do that to all of us, now please, give me back my helmet before he sees! I could get into alot of trouble if they do!"

Fili could see the fear in the clone's eyes. He knew there was alot more that he wasn't telling them. "What will they do to you if he does?" 465 just looked at him with worry.

"Tell us Bil... I mean 465. What will they do to you?"

He did not want to answer the question.

"You know you may not be the real Bilbo, but Bilbo is like family to us. We can help you."

The boat suddenly dropped again down another 45° slope that they had failed to notice coming up, plummeting down into complete darkness. Everyone was screaming once more, unable to see anything. Seconds later, the boat splashed down onto flat surface in another dimly lit area.

"For Mahal's sake Kili, give him back his helmet!" Fili urged.

Kili looked at his empty arms, then at the floor, then at his seat around him. Fili's jaw dropped in shock. _No. No. No. You didn't. Please tell me you didn't._ Kili took one final look at the chocolate river behind the boat, then turned back to his brother with guilty eyes.

"I-um... I... I'm so sorry... I let go of it."

Fili dropped his face into his palms. 465 started hyperventilating as he frantically searched the area around him. He then grabbed Kili by the collar with both of his hands.

"Listen to me! I fell overboard! You got that?"

Kili, shocked by the aggressiveness of the little guy, only nodded silently. 465 showed him the tiller. "This is left and this is right. Easy yes?" He explained quickly. Then he turned to Fili. "And you." he paused "I don't know how you possibly could, but if you can, help us... if you can."

Fili could see true desperation in the clone's eyes and before another word could be said, 465 jumped into the river.

The sound of the splash caught Wanker's attention as he spun around to look at the stern. "What was that!?"

"He fell overboard!"

Wanker grunted in annoyance. "Don't worry about him, they should all know how to swim. Please tell me that someone here knows how to operate a boat tiller."

"Don't worry, we do!" Kili answered, trying to hide his doubt.

"Ok that's good. Just a warning, you're gonna have to do alot of steering in this next part, we're about to enter the Rock Candy Rapids. Think you can manage?"

Fili and Kili felt the blood drain from their faces as they saw violent rushing rapids and jagged rocks ahead of them.

"Y-yeah..."

* * *

**Thanks for reading!**

**This chapter was rather difficult to write at the time. Trying to balance the seriousness of the clone discovery with the humor of the boat ride was kind of challenging. As with all the chapters in this story, I don't want any of them to get too serious, after all, it's supposed to be humor/crack.**

**Next chapter up next week!**


	6. Chapter 6: Drop Anchors

**Chapter 6: Drop Anchors**

Kili gulped as he felt sweat bead on his forehead. His brother scooted closer as they listened to the sound of the churning and splashing water grow louder and louder as they approached.

"We got this Kili. We got this! Don't panic!"

"You're a horrible liar!" Kili spat back.

"Ok fine! We're gonna die!"

"That's more like it!" Kili shouted and the boat plunged forward into the rapids. Thankfully for them, the rapids were lit by lights just a little brighter than those before so at least they could see everything.

The boat swerved to the left, then rocked to the right, narrowly missing the rocks all around. Kili managed to avoid them quite well.

"See not so bad!" Fili shouted. "It's like a video game!"

The boat bounced up and down violently as it also sloshed side to side. Chocolate splashed up and down it's hull as some made it into the boat.

"We're getting chocolatey again!" Violet screamed.

Fili shook his brother's shoulder "Kili away from the left!". He pointed out a particularly large jagged rock sticking out of the side of the tunnel. Kili swerved the boat to the right causing everyone to fall to one side. He shrugged his brother's arm off. "I have eyes brother! I can see!"

The tunneled river kept picking up speed and only got only more and more violent the further they traveled into it. "Kili watch out!"

There was a loud bang as Kili hit a chocolate rock and everyone bounced off their seats.

"Steering would probably help!" Mike hollered from his seat.

Kili grasped the tiller with both arms. "If you think you can do a better job, you're more than welcome to do this yourself!" The raging water was making it more and more difficult to steer as the tiller handle became harder and harder to move. "Brother, help me with this!"

There was another loud bang as the boat hit another bunch of rocks and then got stuck.

"Great! we're stuck!"

Kili looked over the end of the boat. "The rudder's stuck between two rocks, I think we can get it out with a little jiggling." Both Kili and Fili grabbed the tiller handle and shook it to and fro as the boat let out a few groans as it rocked gently to one side.

"Almost got it!"

"Kili, on three, we both push hard! One! Two! Three!" And they pushed the tiller handle as hard as they could.

CRACK! *thunk*

The boat was loose and began surging forward once more.

"What was was that?" Violet looked back behind her. She saw Kili laughing like a maniac as Fili stared out the back of the boat, watching the rudder as well as the tiller handle disappear into the chocolate rapids.

"Why is he laughing?" George demanded.

Panicking, Fili shook his brother by the shoulders "Brother compose yourself!"

Kili kept laughing, "This boat's in Mahal's hands now! Isn't it funny?"

"We've lost all steering!"

"What? The rudder's gone?"

"We're all gonna die!" Veruca screamed.

The boat careened forward again and began spinning sideways.

"Ugh... I think i'm gonna be sick!" Cheryl shouted. The stern violently hit a rock and everyone whiplashed to one side as the boat began to spin in the opposite direction now.

"Now I am gonna be sick!"

The boat then picked up speed again as it entered a relatively open river space without much rocks. The boat kept spinning slowly as it continued picking up speed.

Without any rocks to hit, the boat was now moving the fastest it had been since entering the rapids. Ahead of the clearing was one last final rock. A massive mountain of jagged candy bigger than the others and the boat was drifting sideways towards it.

"We can't steer to avoid it!" Fili warned. "Everybody HOLD ON!"

Everyone braced for the inevitable impact and the boat violently T-boned onto the rock bashing a huge dent in the hull.

"There's chocolate leaking into the boat! We're sinking!" Veruca screamed

The boat slowly dislodged itself off the rock and then resumed with it's chaotic dance among the rapids, only this time, backwards.

"We're moving backwards!" Mike shouted

"You don't say!?"

Fili saw another drop in the tunnel approaching. _Damn you Wanker with all these stupid tunnels!_ And the boat dropped and plummeted backwards down into the darkness. Kili felt the chocolate puddling and pooling around his boots at the bottom of the boat. Without a rudder, the backwards sailing boat was hitting and scraping both sides of the tunnel as it flew down the river.

"Mr. Wanker! Do something!"

"Well I would, but if you haven't noticed, we no longer have a rudder! But there is an anchor on the starboard side of the stern!" Wanker pointed. Fili was seated right by it.

Kili rolled his eyes, "Why didn't you mention that earlier!?"

"That's it, i'm dropping it!" Fili looked over and saw the anchor. He began untying it and lifted it off the hook rested on. It was really quite heavy, but he mustered his strength and managed to drop it into the chocolate river below.

It hit the water at the same time the boat hit flat surface once more where it spun back around to face forward, but the boat didn't slow down at all.

"Excellent timing! Our destination's just up ahead!" Wanker shouted.

The boat kept racing forward. "What happened to the anchor?" Kili looked at his brother. Fili looked into the water confused and saw the anchor's chain still unraveling._ That's a long chain._

"Why aren't we stopping!?" Cheryl cried.

The anchor chain reached it's end and the boat was violently yanked to a stop as everyone flew forward and faceplanted into the seats before them.

"We're here!" Wanker said enthusiastically. He looked totally unfazed by everything that just happened. Everyone just groaned and lurched backwards from their seats as they removed their faces from the seats before them. Amazingly, they had stopped right in front of the door to their destination.

It was a large round circular door made of steel with a security code panel, much like a door to a bank vault. In the middle it read "Invention Room" in thick bold lettering.

"I think I broke my nose." Montgomery groaned. On the other end of his row, George was puking over the side of the boat.

"Drat... I swallowed my gum again." Violet moaned. Fili's face contorted in disgust when he saw her begin chewing on yet ANOTHER piece of gum, even though she already had several pieces roaming around in her digestive system. _That can't be healthy for you._

Wanker hopped out of the boat and waited by the door. "C'mon everyone! Up and at it. I think you'll find this room quite interesting!"

Cheryl was hunched over in her seat and held up a finger. "Can you just give us a minute at least to gather ourselves."

"Fine suit yourselves, but I do feel the need to remind you that the boat is still sinking."

Everyone looked down at their feet and noticed that the chocolate had risen just little past ankle length. Groans and grunts escaped everyone's lips as they climbed out of the boat.

"We are several stories underground, the lowest level in the entire factory. And this is the door to the invention room! A very crucial part of my factory!"

George raised an eyebrow. "So crucial that you needed to build it underground and have a long tunneled river with drops, rapids, and sharp jagged rocks to avoid by boat to get to?"

"No. But that was fun wasn't it?" Wanker laughed as he entered digits into the security panel.

"_1234_? That's the code?" Mike scoffed.

"Easy to remember. Especially when you have over 350 doors, locks, machines and other things that need a security passcode." Wanker explained as he swung the door open. "All in! And don't worry about your shoes, i'll just have the Oompi Loompi's clean it up later."

Everyone was trailing chocolate like wet muddy boots.

Minutes after Wanker closed the door behind him, the boat continued moaning as it slowly filled with chocolate like a bathtub.

The chocolate began to weigh down the boat heavily and combined with the force of the current still pushing against it, the anchor holding chain began to shake under the strong tension.

Eventually, with a loud snap, the anchor chain broke free and the boat began to drift down along with the river before giving one last moan and disappearing into the brown river.

* * *

465 struggle to keep his head up. The rapids were too much for him. He could swim, but this was beyond his capabilities. It wasn't something he ever planned on doing. To make matters worse, he couldn't see with the liquid chocolate sludge covering and flowing over his face.

He slammed into a large candy rock and latched onto it. A few more coughs and gasps of air and he quickly regained his breath and strength. With one hand he wiped the chocolate away from his face. _Thank goodness i'm still alive._ he climbed up higher onto the rock and looked around him. Amidst the dimly lit area, he could see the edge of the tunnel just close enough to jump onto.

With some effort, he jumped onto the tunnel's edge. _Now, what do I do now?_ He stood along the tunnel wall contemplating his next actions. _I have to escape. Surely after this i'll be "punished"._

He shuddered at the thought. He'd seen the scars from his "brothers" that made big mistakes on the job.

Maybe if he's lucky, instead of being punished he'll just be "released from service" like the REALLY bad ones do.

If you were still a really bad worker even after being "punished" many times or if you were seriously injured and could no longer work at your full potential, Wanker would just release you from service and put out into the real world, which they were told is a cruel and violent place.

He didn't believe that, not after meeting those two dwarves on the boat. Something about them felt so strange. So familiar. They said they knew him, they treated him like family, they SAID Bilbo was family. Who was this Bilbo? But above all of that, they showed concern. He obviously had no idea who they were yet somehow they gave him the strangest deja vu.

_I have to find out. I have to escape._

* * *

**Thanks for Reading! Fav/follow/review if you want!**_  
_

**I must admit, I have a hate/like relationship with this chapter. This is the first time ever that i've tried writing out an intense "action" scene. If this were a movie, it would be awesome BUT this is writing and not a Hollywood movie so... I'm hoping you guys are visualizing it the same way I am, if not, then i've failed horribly.**

**Next chapter will come out a day earlier, on Thursday because I will be leaving on a short trip the very next morning.**


	7. Chapter 7: A Three Course Dinner

**Chapter 7: Three Course Dinner**

The squishing and squeaking sounds of chocolate soaked feet proved to be a rather big annoyance to everyone. Thankfully, Fili and Kili's boots were strung rather tightly and went pretty high up their ankles so they weren't soaked to the socks in chocolate like everyone else. That and they weren't squishing and squeaking with every step they took.

"I want dwarven boots daddy!" Veruca demanded.

"No, you're not a dwarf Veruca."

"But I want it NOW!" she whined.

Kili rolled his eyes as the two began arguing.

"Behold, The Invention Room!" Wanker said loudly.

The room was a sight to behold. It was indeed alot smaller than the great candy paradise, but this room was filled from floor to ceiling and wall to wall with huge massive machines, tanks, tubes, pipes, gizmos and gadgets in all sorts of shapes and sizes. To put it simply, it looked like Dexter's Laboratory got a makeover by Dr. Seuss.

Everyone's eyes needed a minute to soak up the scenery. There were Oompi Loompi's walking everywhere busy working. Some holding clipboards, some pushing carts full of candied material, others walking around in giant hazmat looking suits. Each and every one of the machines that filled the room were different and very distinguishable from the next. They came in all various colors and odd shapes, so odd looking that you couldn't even tell what their purpose was unless Wanker told you.

"This is where I put my wildest ideas for candy to the test. This is where I come up with and explore new things to do and try. Personally, it's my favorite room in the entire factory." Wanker said and he ended with a deep breath of pride as he looked at the surroundings.

Fili subtly hit Kili in the side. "Don't touch anything. I mean it this time."

Kili only glared at him in return.

Wanker lead them around a few machines, quickly explaining their purposes and functions before stopping at one machine that looked like a 15-foot lava lamp with little balls of candy floating around inside. "Ooh, I must tell you about this one. This one is particularly special."

"Those look familiar." Violet said.

"These are my famous Everlasting Goobstoppers! You know, the ones that last forever and never lose their flavor?" Wanker answered.

"But I thought you discontinued those?" Cheryl asked.

"I did actually. If you remember, Radagast used them when he was in rehab to help with his mushrooms addiction, but whenever he took them out of his mouth and placed them on the side for later, one of his animals would eat them and choke to death and die, plunging him into a deep depression which would then cause him to relapse back into his addiction. Apparently, the Animal Rights Council for Middle Earth blamed me for all his animals dying, so production on these were temporarily shut down. BUT, I'm currently working on a way to make them animal friendly."

"Any success? George asked. Wanker only gave him a strange chuckle and then continued on without answering.

"What's that machine over there?" Veruca asked. She pointed to a machine at that looked like a gigantic baby stacking toy that lit up in various colors.

"Good question, that uh... is um... it's kind of hard to explain." Wanker said as he scratched his head. "Imagine a blender and... wait, no."

Fili tilted his head trying to comprehend what Wanker was explaining, but a tap on his shoulder distracted him. Kili whispered in his ear. "Fi, look at this."

He turned around to see Kili marveling at the machine behind them rather than the one Wanker was struggling to talk about in front. This machine looked almost like a garage-sized octopus with red tentacles. At the end of each tentacle was a glass bulb, each one containing some different colored object or blob of solid material of different colors. His brother was holding a clipboard he found on a counter that circled the entire machine.

"Kili put that down, I said don't touch anything!" Fili scolded.

Kili rolled his eyes. "It's a clipboard Fili, relax. It's not like i'm holding a remote control for a bulldozer."

His reasonable answer made Fili smirk. "Fine. What is it?"

Kili's eyes darted between the clipboard then at the machine. "It makes gum."

"Gum?"

"Yes, this gum apparently is being designed to mimic entire dinner meals by unleashing a three course dinner's worth of flavor when you chew it."

"A three course dinner gum? How is that possible?" Fili was amused.

Kili looked through some more papers on the clipboard. "It's still being tested. Listen to what it says here, _'Up to date all test subjects have swelled to the same disastrous result when entering the dessert course.'_"

"Swelled?"

"_'Test results proved the same for O.L.s 577, 578, all the way to 589. They could not continue their services.'_"

Fili's eyes widened in shock "O.L.s? Is he using the Oompi Loompi clones as guinea pigs?"

"I'm not sure, i'm still trying to figure out what this "disastrous result" is exactly."

"It's gum, what could possibly happen while chewing gum?"

"Did someone say gum?"

Fili and Kili jumped when they saw Violet staring at them with her annoyingly big trying-to-look-cute-but-failing-at-it eyes. "I love gum."

"Yes, you swallowed several pieces today already." Fili answered. She ignored him, and focused on Kili.

"What are you reading there?"

"Nothing." Kili answered.

Violet looked at the machine and smiled widely. "This machine makes gum! That's what you two were talking about!"

"Um no."

"Where is it? I want to sample it!" Violet looked around the machine and saw a small box with a digital text display that read **Test Sample 13** that contained a single small tan-looking square. She opened the box and took it.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you." Fili said.

Violet laughed. "Why not? It's a free sample."

Fili nudged Kili in the side. "She's after you bro, YOU tell her not to."

"Please. Don't eat the gum." Kili said. He made his puppy dog face that he knew the girls loved so much. "Just give it to me."

"If you want it, you'll have to catch me for it!" She started walking backwards while hiding the gum behind her back.

Kili bit down on his tongue in annoyance. "Listen to me little girl, I'll be honest, if this is your attempt at flirting with me, you're failing at it horribly."

"Little girl? Pfft. I'm 14."

"Yeah, you're a little girl. Sorry, even if you were older, you're still not my type."

"What is your type? I can dye my hair!"

_Oh Mahal, this girl can't be serious._ "No, just give me the gum!"

"Nope!" Violet said playfully. "Ask me out on a date and then i'll give it to you."

"Never."

"She's a troll Kili, everything she's doing is just to annoy and irritate you because she thinks you're cute." Fili said from the side.

"Trust me little girl, you don't want him, now please give my brother the gum."

"I don't think he's cute!"

"Now you're in denial!" Kili said back with a smile.

Violet started blushing and giggling. Kili looked at her I (red heart) 1D shirt.

"You like One Direction don't you?" Kili asked. She started giggling even more.

Fili smiled. _Good, he hit her close to home, now he's got the upper hand._

Kili held out his hand "Listen if you chew that gum i'll buy you tickets to their next concert." Violet let out a high pitch scream and popped the gum in her mouth and starting chewing it as though it would save her life.

The two brothers gasped loudly in shock and confusion.

Fili grabbed Kili by the collar of his shirt and shook him violently "Kili, why the Hell did you-!?"

"I'm SORRY! SORRY!" Kili was groaning as he dug his palms into his forehead, "I got my words mixed up! I meant GIVE ME the gum and i'll buy you concert tickets!"

* * *

Montgomery crossed his arms and tilted his head in confusion. "So wait, you said, 'Think Twizzler's, Pop Rocks AND a Jawbreaker after a trip around a blender'? I don't understand what you mean by that. Just tell us, what is it exactly?"

"I haven't thought of a name for it yet!" Wanker said as he scratched the back of his neck. He then noticed a commotion coming from the back of the group. "What is going on back there?"

"She's chewing the gum!" Fili cried.

"Oh dear! Oh dear!" Wanker panicked as he rushed over to her. "You should probably spit it out!"

"No, this gum is awesome!" Violet said

"Well done Wanker! Violet hasn't used the word 'awesome' to describe gum in years." George commented.

"Not good ! Not good! Spit it out girl! What sample is this? 13?" He looked at the machine. "You'd better pray this one isn't like the others!"

"Why is that? Cheryl asked

"Because... Because..." Wanker looked around for something and saw Kili still holding the clipboard. "You! That is confidential information, you're not supposed to be reading that!" Wanker snatched it out of his hands.

"Wanker? What is the meaning of this? What is wrong with that gum?" Montgomery asked.

"This is a very experimental gum i'm creating. It's designed to mimic a three course dinner being eaten by the chewer. Tell me Violet, can you taste anything?"

"Yes I can! It's tomato soup! It's rich and creamy!"

"Good. Oh, I'm hoping and wishing that this sample isn't like the others!" Wanker started hopping on his legs like a woman who needed to pee.

"I can actually feel it running down my throat!"

"That's what she said." Kili snickered before getting hit in the back of his head by his brother.

Violet chewed ferociously. "Next course is... Is that roast beef?"

"Should be." Wanker stated.

"Mmm! With a Loaded Baked Potato too! I can even taste the cheese and bacon bits!"

"With sour cream?" George laughed.

"Yes! I can taste the sour cream too!"

"I would spit out that gum out right about now if I were you." Wanker said seriously.

"Hell no! You kidding me? Why would I want to miss dessert!" Violet snarled. She kept chewing and her smile widened even more. "Mmm! Blueberry pie and ice cream!"

Then everyone gasped as her face began to change. Wanker only sighed and sat down on a chair, looking down at the floor in disappointment.

"Here we go..."

* * *

**Thank you for reading! So sorry, I know I said Thursday, but I got extremely busy all day packing and preparing for this weekend trip that I forgot to post it. So here I am... posting this on Friday, 1 AM Hawaii time.  
**

**Follow/review/fav if you wish! Next chapter will be up next Friday!**

**This chapter was quite fun to write. I imagine the gum making machine looking similar to how it did in the classic film, while the room itself looking more like how it did in the Tim Burton film.**


	8. Chapter 8: Blueberry Derby

**Chapter 8: Blueberry Derby**

"What? What are you all looking at?" Violet asked suspiciously.

Nobody answered her. Everyone just stood there with gaping mouths and wide eyes.

Violet kept chewing. "What!? Someone say something!"

Fili still had the collar of Kili's shirt clutched in his fists. Nobody was moving.

"Violet! Your face!" George finally blurted out.

"What about it?"

"You're turning violet, Violet!" It was true, her face was darkening from her palish beige to a dark tint of purple-ish blue. It wasn't only her face, her entire body was changing color.

"Your hands!" Veruca shouted. Violet's hands were turning violet as well.

"Wanker! What is happening to her!"

"She's turning into a blueberry."

"What!?" Everyone gasped

"Well, I said it was a TEST sample didn't I? If she spits it out now, there may be a chance where she won't start to-"

"She's swelling!" Kili shouted.

Violet held her hands over her stomach. "I feel funny" And her stomach started to expand. Then her thighs, arms, feet, eventually her entire body began ballooning.

"Oh dear! Wanker do something!" George panicked

"Well I told her spit it out and she didn't. Who's fault is that now?"

"What is happening to her!?"

Wanker rolled his eyes. "Is nobody listening to me? I said, she's turning into a blueberry! She's filling with blueberry juice."

"Blueberry juice!?"

"I'm getting fat!" Violet shrieked. She was swelling enormously. Not only was she swelling in width, but she was growing in size altogether. By now she was already the same size as Augustus and still growing. "When will it stop!? I look hideous!"

"It depends on when you stop chewing the gum." Wanker answered

"NEVER! It tastes amazing!"

"Ok suite yourself."

George was jumping up and down in front of a no-longer-concerned-looking Wanker. "What's going to happen to her Wanker? Is she going to explode?!"

"Explode? Oh heavens no, she'll just have to be juiced."

"Juiced!? How on Earth do you juice her!?" George asked confused

"Um... It's kind of painful to explain."

By now Violet was triple the size of Augustus and her head was only a mere few feet from the roof. Finally, she stopped swelling. Her arms and legs had swelled so large that they were beyond the ability for use. She had to roll. "I look ugly! I'm a blue cow!" She was crying dark blue tears. "And I swallowed that stupid piece of gum before it ran out of flavor!"

"Dang. She's huge." Mike said

"Mike! That's not very nice!"

"What? It's true!"

George shook Wanker by the shoulders. "What are you going to do now? Are you still gonna juice her?"

"Duh. Unless you have a better idea."

"Is she gonna be ok?"

"I honestly don't know. She's the first _human_ to ever try this gum." Wanker grabbed his phone and dialed. "Hello? Lily? Yes, there's been another accident in the Invention Room. No no one hurt, just another living blueberry... one of the guests. We need to juice her, but she's triple the size of the other blueberries we've had, she won't fit out the door, we need to bring the juicers here to do the job, can you do that? Thanks."

Violet tried rolling around to get a better look at everyone. "You!" She pointed at Kili with her fat stump of an arm. "This is all your fault! I'm ugly now because of you!"

"Me? I told you to spit it out."

"Now now Violet, real beauty is on the inside, not the outside." Fili added.

"You know, that reminds me of a song." Kili began. "_'You're insecure... Don't know what for... You're turning heads when you walk through the do-o-or!'_"

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" She tried covering her ears, but her arms wouldn't reach. The brothers could only laugh.

Soon a group of Oompi Loompi's arrived wearing white aprons and rubber gloves and carrying fishing spear-sized syringed needles.

Wanker looked at Violet then at his watch. "Ok now just for the sake of privacy and time, we are going to continue on with the tour while Violet stays here and gets juiced. George you may want to stay with her during the process."

He gulped nervously, "What?"

"Now Violet, the juicing process may hurt just a bit, but I promise you, it'll be done and over before you know it."

"What? No! I hate needles don't you dare touch me with those!" Violet started kicking and thrashing to avoid being touched. If you've ever seen a jiggling blue jell-o mold, the resemblance was uncanny.

"Violet! Calm down, they're here to help. They're not going to kill you." Wanker assured her.

"Violet listen to him darling! Calm down!" George tried to help.

"No! Don't touch me you little freaks!" Violet snarled. With one loud and horribly unfeminine grunt, she lurched to one side and then back to the other. She was trying to escape.

"Violet? Where are you going?" George demanded.

"I'm getting out of here!" Violet shouted. She grunted again and began picking up her pace. Her sheer size was giving her powerful momentum. As she rolled, she began to pick up speed. Soon, she was rolling her way around the room, smashing every machine in her path.

Wanker held his hands to his head in panic "Stop that! You're destroying my factory! You guys there, stop her!" He pointed to a group of Oompi Loompis and they quickly ran onto her path with their hands held up to stop her, like they thought they could or something.

"They can't be serious." Kili commented.

They were obliterated by her the way a bowling ball smashes a group of pins.

Violet laughed wickedly. She rolled around some more and then finally made her great escape. By crashing through a wall and disappearing into the neighboring rooms. The sounds of destruction and chaos followed and slowly dissipated.

"Violet! Violet come back!" George shouted and he ran after her into the massive hole she created in the wall with many Oompi Loompis following after.

"Oh dear. Oh dear." Wanker shook in panic. "What to do? What to do?" He paced back and forth.

The remaining six only stood there, looking at both him and the damage that surrounded them, unsure of what to do. Wanker paced back and forth, then picked up his phone again.

"Hello? Lily? Yes, we have a bigger problem now. She's loose in the factory. She broke through the wall and is now rolling through the factory. Of COURSE she can't get out! The outer walls are concrete. We may have to pop her if we can't capture her."

Fili and Kili looked at each other worried.

"Yes, try to get her under control. Please! Thank you! What was that? Yes of course I have them, i'm gonna take a few right now. Just take one? One isn't strong enough. I don't care what the doctor said!" And he hung up. He then searched his pockets and found a pill bottle that he dropped when trying to pull it out.

It rolled to Fili's feet and he picked it up. **Take 1 capsule every 4 hours as needed for anxiety attacks. Do not exceed 4 capsules per day.** He read before Wanker snatched it from his hands. He opened it and devoured about 5 of them.

"Should you be taking that much?" Veruca asked wearily.

Wanker only grunted as he dry gulped on them and swallowed. He took a few deep breaths after and hopped a few times on his feet while shaking his hands. "Ok, ok, i'm good. Let's continue shall we? If that massive girl is gonna be rolling around like that down here, I have no choice but to contain the rest of the tour to the higher levels of the factory. I think I know where I want to take you guys next."

He started walking towards the back of the Invention Room as the rest followed in awkward silence. They walked through a pair of double doors and up many flights of an empty plain concrete staircase.

As they walked Kili chuckled childishly and nudged his brother in the arm. "Hey brother, you what I wonder?" Kili asked enthusiastically.

"Do I want to know?"

"I wonder what's gonna happen if Violet has to pee?"

He chuckled. "That's horrible Ki."

"Seriously? Like is her pee gonna be blue? Or green because it's blue mixed with yellow?"

Fili punched him in the arm. "Disgusting. I don't want to think about it."

* * *

After leading them up many many exhausting flights of stairs, Wanker opened a door and into a hallway and then back into another staircase. After about 20 minutes of walking up even more steps, they finally found themselves in the upper floors of the factory where the hallways were plain and white, much like how the factory looked from the outside. There were Oompi Loompi's walking around here and there.

It looked more like the hallways of an office building or a medical facility than it did a factory. Every now and then, there was a large opening or a large set of doors that indicated another room or area of the factory.

Eventually they passed an opening in which the sight of a beautiful luxury looking sports car caught Kili's attention. He stopped for a second before being pulled by the arm by his brother to continue on. The room that contained the car was still within Kili's eyesight when they came upon an area of the hallway where the walls were not white, but decorated with fruity wallpaper. Wanker held up a hand, "Oh wait! I must show you this."

Wanker stopped and started licking and french kissing the wall.

"What the Hell?" Mike commented.

The elf stopped frenching and wiped his mouth "Lickable wallpaper for nurseries. Taste it! Lick the bananas! They taste like bananas! Lick the strawberries! They taste like strawberries! Lick the snazzleberries! They taste like snazzleberries!"

"Snazzleberries? Who's ever heard of a snazzleberry?" Veruca commented.

"Seriously? You've never heard of a snazzleberry?"

Every shook their heads no.

"I took agriculture in college, there are no such thing as snazzleberries, i'm sure." Cheryl wiped her glasses as she spoke.

"Yes, there is!" Wanker argued.

"Do explain yourself." Mongtomery raised an eyebrow

"Well, they come from the far east-" Wanker began

"Mordor?" Montgomery asked

"Oh no. Farther. We don't trust anything that grows there. Far past Mordor almost on the eastern coast of-" Wanker continued explaining but Fili lost interest as he felt a tug on his shirt. He saw Kili motioning over to the room with the car.

"Kili! No! Stay here!"

"Oh C'mon! I just want to look at it." Kili urged

Fili looked back at Wanker who was beginning to have a rather heated argument with Montgomery and Cheryl about snazzleberries. _He doesn't look like he'll even notice us gone._ He then turned back to his brother.

"Fine, just a quick look and then we'll come back."

* * *

Empty pipes. The chocolate waterfall had suddenly stopped flowing and was bone dry while the chocolate lake continued to empty into the tunnel. There was a drain in the river that was located just past the Invention Room that was meant to pump the chocolate back up the factory to the waterfall to restart it's cycle. This drain however, was blocked.

Blocked by the hull of a sunken boat.

The chocolate river was slowly beginning to rise above it's banks. Most of the Oompi Loompi's had left the Invention Room in search of Violet who was now wreaking havoc elsewhere in the lower levels of the factory.

There were only a few in there who noticed a small stream of chocolate seeping in through the bottom of the main Invention Room door.

* * *

**THANKS for reading! I know, I say I post on Friday, but since I live in Hawaii, technically it's already Saturday morning for most of you. I'll try getting into the habit of posting earlier in the day.  
**

**Follow/review/fav if you want! New chapter up next Friday!**


	9. Chapter 9: The Wankermobile

**Chapter 9: The Wankermobile**

The room containing the car was empty except for the car parked in the middle. Surrounding the car were theater style stanchions and ropes. The car was clearly meant for display. It was parked in front of a large pair of wall to floor glass windows.

"Wow. This is nice. What do you think it is? A Lamborghini?" Kili said as he glided his fingers over the polished black paint that coated the vehicle. It looked like a Lamborghini, but there was no logo anywhere to say it was so. It was black, so perfectly polished that it seemed like it was glowing despite being the darkest thing in the room. Within it's racing tires were a stunning set of shining chrome rims that sparkled and reflected lights like diamonds.

"It's so perfect." Kili said as he continued gliding his fingers over it. His fingers glided ever so lightly. He walked over to the driver's side door and looked inside. The windows were so dark tinted he couldn't see anything within. He leaned over the stanchion ropes and onto the door, covering the sides of his eyes from the light in an attempt to see in. He still couldn't see anything. Naturally curious, his hands went to the door handle and lifted.

Fili spun on his heels when he heard a thump and a small hissing sound. He saw Kili's wide eyes staring at the doors of the car as they opened vertically.

"Kili? What the Hell are you doing?"

"I just wanted to see inside."

"You're lucky this thing didn't have a car alarm!"

The inside was just as spectacular as the outside. It's sleek ultra modern, futuristic design felt like Kili had stepped into a time machine from the future. The black leather bucket seats were spotless and were facing a sleek looking dashboard and steering wheel. When the doors had opened, the dashboard itself came to life, lighting up showing various symbols, meters and numbers. It was all digital touchscreen technology. In between the driver and passenger seats where the radio would normally be was another black pane of glass probably for some more holographic display.

Kili had just ducked under the stanchion ropes and was about to sit in the driver's seat when Fili shoved him out of the way and sat in the seat himself.

"Fi? What was that for?"

"I'm the older one. I don't trust you behind a driver's seat just yet, much less the driver's seat of THIS car."

"I have my permit!"

"Yes, you do... but I have a license." He smirked.

"Fine, at least let me sit in the passenger side!" Kili said and he ran over to the other side, opened the door and hopped in.

They sat for a while and just marveled at the car's interior.

"I wonder how much it cost?" Kili wondered aloud.

"Much more than we could afford. You ready to go back yet?" Fili answered.

"No!" Kili barked "I want to see what else it can do!"

"How Kili? What are we gonna do? Test drive it?"

"At least turn it's radio on." Kili answered and eyed the glass pane between them.

"Do you know how to do that?"

"Um... no."

"Well then, don't touch before you break it."

"I'm not gonna break it! Watch." Kili pressed a finger to the glass between them and suddenly it flashed to life just like the dashboard. The doors began to close automatically. Both brothers gasped as they found themselves stuck inside the car.

"Great Kili! What did you do!?"

"Don't start with me!"

"**Voice activated command detected. START.**" Said a female computerized voice talking through the speakers. Then the car turned on. Fili started screaming.

"Fili!? I'm sorry!"

"You got us into this mess now clean it up."

"**Voice activated command detected. CLEAN.**"

"What? What? No!" Fili shouted. Soap and suds started shooting out from various spots in the cars interior. The two brothers tried opening the doors, but they couldn't find any door handles.

"Stop! End! Finish! Power OFF!" Kili shouted. The vehicle was hearing none of it. Soap and suds were pooling around their legs as some was pouring down from small spouts at the ceiling. Kili was looking at the glass pressing any button hoping it would do something to help.

From the outside, the black tinted windows hid everything happening inside. However, the lights were flashing, turn signals blinking and wipers wiping. One would barely hear the muffled screams and shouts coming from the inside.

The foam had risen to their laps as Fili noticed a button where the key ignition would normally be. _Since everything is already on, this should surely turn everything off_. He pressed it and the engine let out a small rev and began to roll forward. _Crap!_ He stomped his foot on the brake. The seats were obviously not meant for dwarves as his butt was almost hanging off the front edge of seat in order for his foot to reach the brake pedal. _We are so dead_.

"Fili, i'm so sorry!" Kili cried as he shook his fists up and down, tossing soap and suds as he did so. The foam had risen to their stomachs and was still rising. "I'm sorry I got us into this!"

"We aren't dead yet!" Fili pressed the button engine again. The engine revved a bit louder, but didn't stop. "How the Hell do you put this thing in park? PARK!"

"**PARK command not possible while cleaning**."

"Damnit!"

"How do you open these dumb doors!?" Kili shouted. The foam was now up to their chests. Kili began pounding on the door with his fists as the foam began rising up to their shoulders. The foam was now covering the dashboard and the steering wheel. They could no longer see what they were pressing.

"Press anything Kili!"

"I can't see!" Kili pressed anything he could feel under the foam.

"**_California girls we're unforgettable! Daisy dukes, bikinis on top!_**"

"Found the stereo!" Kili shouted.

"That's nice, now find a way to shut off the engine!"

The foam was now beginning to rise above his mouth and unable to breath, he could no longer keep his foot on the brake.

_I can't... I can't!_ Fili let go of the brake and the car began to roll forward, dragging along the rope and stanchions that were in front of it until it gently hit the wall in front of them. Fili stood up as both he and his brother struggled to breath among the rising foam.

"We're gonna drown in here!" Kili panicked. Their heads were pressed against the roof as the last few inches of air was slowly disappearing.

_What haven't we tried yet? Exit! _With one final breath, Fili shouted, "Exit!"

"**Voice activated command detected. EXIT.**"

The doors began to open and the car was emptied of all the suds and foam. Fili coughed some suds out of his mouth. "Jeesh! Is that how this stupid car cleans itself?"

"**_I'm okay, I won't play, I love the Bay just like I love L.A.. Venice Beach and Palm Springs..._**"

"How do we shut this thing off now?"

He pressed the ignition button one more time and the car (as well as everything in it) finally shut off. Fili chuckled in annoying disbelief. _I only had to press it ONE more time?_ The two brothers took a deep breath of relief and got out of the car, shaking the suds off themselves.  
"Kili, help me push the car back to the middle of the room." The two brothers went to either side of the front of the car and tried pushing the car backwards. It wouldn't budge.

"You think we could put it in reverse?"

Then the vehicle sprang back to life instantly once more. "**Voice activated command detected. REVERSE.**"

"What? Wait! No!" Before either of them could do anything, the vehicle began rolling quickly in reverse and crashed out of the glass wall behind it, plummeting down onto another area of the factory below it.

* * *

Oompi 465 had his things packed. He sat around a table with two of his closest "brothers", Oompi's 297 & 344. They were in the Licorice Room. The room everyone hated. Even Wanker hated it. It was without a doubt, the right room to hold secret meetings from Wanker.

"You could hide in the trash and escape on trash collecting day." 297 suggested.

344 shook his head in disagreement. "No, remember three months ago when 281 tried to escape that way? Since then, Wanker switched to furnace burning ALL the trash. Nothing escapes the factory."

"What about reject products? Where do they go?"

"They go to the same furnace."

**_CRASH!_**

The three clones jumped back as a car crashed down from the ceiling and landed on the licorice making machine before them.

"Where the Hell did that come from!?"

"Is that the Wankermobile?"

* * *

Fili and Kili stood at the shattered windows edge with their hands over their gaping mouths. The car had fallen and crashed through the roof of the factory below, smashing a hole through the ceiling.

"I hope nobody got hurt." Kili gulped.

"We were never here..." Fili said. And he pushed his brother away, back to the doorway. He looked around and thankfully saw no security cameras.

Fili stuck his head out into the hallway and looked both ways. Everyone was still standing in their exact same spots, arguing about the exact same thing. Wanker was holding up his hands in surrender.

"Fine, fine, fine! I don't know where snazzleberries come from, but they do come from somewhere east of Mordor." Wanker's pills had obviously kicked in. He was talking alot slower, calmer and his speech even sounded a bit slurred. He sounded somewhere halfway between drunk and deliriously tired.

Cheryl looked irritated and had her arms crossed, "Then how do you even know they exist? Besides this wall, you said you haven't even seen or tried REAL snazzleberries."

"And to be honest, they just taste like bananas and pineapples mixed together." Montgomery added.

"Yeah, they even look like a cross between bananas and pineapples shrunk to berry size." Veruca pointed out to the picture on the wall.

"Well then, I guess that's what snazzleberries must look and taste like!" Wanker said, ending with a drunk sounding chuckle.

Fili and Kili tiptoed back to the rear of the group and stood their acting calm and composed as though nothing happened, even though they were still covered in small blobs of foam and suds. They looked at each other nervously, then back to Wanker who apparently noticed nothing.

* * *

The Invention Room was now flooded under several feet of chocolate. Oompi Loompi's were scrambling everywhere trying to salvage what they could. The lights had begun to flicker and some had already shorted out in various places. Candy and other bits and parts of machinery were floating around everywhere. The chocolate river was overflowing and despite that sounding serious, it wasn't anywhere near as serious as the house-sized blueberry juice filled girl that was now rolling around like a loose wrecking ball within the factory itself.

There was supposed to be a team of Oompi Loompi's sent out to find out the source of the Chocolate River problem, but as of now, no team has been formed or seen. They were probably among the many that were already occupied trying to stop Violet, either them or the with the others cleaning up the trail of destruction she was leaving behind. She was like a bowling ball rolling around in a box full of glass figurines.

This would take the Oompi Loompi's weeks maybe even months to recover from this. They would be stretched to their limits, not to mention keeping up with their quota for their regular working duties.

In the main office, drops of sweat were beading on Lily's forehead as she picked up and answered phone call after phone call, while jotting down notes, notes and more notes. Phones were ringing off the hook, literally.

When she was informed that the Wankermobile had somehow crashed out of it's display room and into the Licorice Room below, she only laughed at the problem. It was one of the least of the factory's concerns right now. She could hear muffled sounds of destruction off in the distance.

* * *

**THANKS FOR READING! I had a love/hate relationship with this chapter. It was fun to visualize and I loved the idea, but writing it out was a nightmare. For those who don't understand why there's the lyrics to Katy Perry's _California Girls_ in there, it's supposed to be the stereo that's playing loudly amongst the chaos.  
**

**As for the car's command voice activated command system, I know. Horrible. A system that faulty could never possibly work, but this is crack. It's all for the humor.**

**Review/follow/fave if you want! Next chapter up next Friday!**


	10. Chapter 10: Golden Goose Eggs

**Chapter 10: Golden Goose Eggs**

There was a muffled explosion in the distance and everyone looked up.

"Is that from Violet?" Cheryl asked.

Wanker's phone rang and he picked up. "What is it? Yes, i'm aware of that. Wait what? I wasn't aware of THAT, how did that happen? You sent a team to find out the problem? Good. What do you mean you can't **_find_** the team? Oh, yeah that's right. Well get everything together. Calm yo tits Lily! You know i'm busy! I'm sure you can handle it. Yes, you can. I don't care HOW you get everything back under control just GET IT DONE!" Wanker hung up and took a deep breath while grooming his eyebrows with his hand. "Shall we?"

Everyone agreed without argument. Several Oompi Loompi's were running up and down the hallway.

"Is everything alright?" Montgomery asked.

"Everything's fine. The factories going through a few problems at the moment, but they'll be solved i'm sure." Another explosion rocked in the distance and the lights flickered.

As they walked, Fili and Kili kept to the back of the group as usual.

"You know, I was thinking about what that clone said to me." Fili began.

"465?"

"Shhh. Yeah. He said 'help us' if we can."

"Do you think he expects us to do something?"

"Well, what _can_ we do?"

The brothers looked at each other and then shrugged hopelessly. They knew Wanker's secret, but at the current time being, there was nothing they could really do about it. Not yet.

They continued walking along the hallway until Wanker led them to a large room that looked like a massive college lecture hall. Only instead of an audience of students, there were geese. Large geese sitting on seats raised above a cushion. Every so often one of these geese would lay a massive golden egg that would land softly on the cushions beneath to be later picked up by one of the handful of Oompi Loompi's that worked in the room.

As they got closer to the geese, Fii and Kili were amazed to realize that these geese were even larger than they had appeared from afar. They were monstrous geese, several times larger than the size of normal ones and the eggs were the size of basketballs.

"This is the Golden Egg Room!" Wanker began

"Eggs aren't candy. Why do you even have this room?" Mike asked.

"These are _chocolate_ golden eggs. They're a real delicacy in the far south. In fact 80% of our profits from these eggs alone come from people in the Harad."

"Where do these geese come from?" Cheryl asked curiously.

"Oh well, I'm not quite sure how to explain it."

"You suck at explaining things." Mike commented.

"Well Radagast offered me a few, then I had Saruman genetically modify their DNA and then I had them placed on a strict diet of chocolate and milk and then-"

"Daddy! I want a golden egg!" Veruca shouted

"Ok darling. Wanker, how much for an e-"

"NO! Not an egg, I want a goose!" Veruca screamed

"Ok. You heard her Wanker, how much for a goose?"

Wanker looked at Montgomery blankly and then at Veruca and then back at Montgomery again. "I'm sorry Mr. Zass, these geese aren't for sale but you can still buy an egg, although to buy an egg you have to go online, put your name on a waiting list since production on these are limited, then wait for-"

"But I don't want a damn golden egg! I want a goose! NOOW!" Veruca whined.

"How much Wanker? I can start the offer at 2 Million. Name your price."

"Did I not just say that they weren't for sale?"

Veruca pouted sourly and crossed her arms, staring at the geese angrily.

Fili and Kili looked over to the front of the room and saw a long table where several Oompi Loompi's were packing the eggs into large gift baskets.

It was hard to believe that under all those helmets were a bunch of identical looking Bilbo's and they were the only ones who knew it.

"You." Fili jumped when Veruca suddenly appeared behind him. "Can I ask you a favor?"

"You have a favor to ask of me?" Fili responded in disbelief.

She whispered just loud enough for only the three of them to hear. "Can you steal a goose for me?"

Kili started laughing out loud at the question. Fili just looked at her with his eyelids drooped halfway down his eyes in annoyance. "Really? Are you serious?"

"Yes! I want one. You can have him help you." And she pointed to Kili.

"Me?" He shook his head "Mmm-mmm. Nope. Sorry. Not being sucked into this."

"C'mon! Pleeeease!" She begged.

Fili rolled his eyes "Those geese can probably rip off an arm. And think for a moment, how am I in any possible way supposed to 'steal' one from this factory? Hide it under my jacket until the tour is over?"

"If you can steal it..." She began while batting her eyelashes. "I'll be your girlfriend!" Kili doubled over laughing.

"Tell me, has that technique ever gotten you an actual boyfriend?" Fili asked.

"Yes."

"**_HYA-CHOO!_**" Kili sneezed. "Sorry, i'm allergic to bullsh*t."

"IT HAS!"

Fili rolled his eyes and began seriously. "Veruca... i'm not... stealing... a goose. Get over it. Hasn't your father ever told you to be thankful for what you already have?" And then he walked back over to the group ignoring her.

Veruca turned red and started shaking.

Kili noticed and started tapping his brother's shoulder. "Bro, I think you pissed her off big time." Fili turned and saw Veruca shaking with her fists clenched tightly.

"Are you seriously getting angry because no one here can smuggle out a gigantic goose out of this factory for you?" She didn't answer.

Kili stood in front of her. "You know, normally kids stop the i'm-getting-so-angry-I think-I-can-scare-you technique when they're still in elementary, i'm guessing this technique still works on your dad?"

"JJJYYYEAAAAUUGHH!" Veruca screamed like an undead zombie girl and lunged forward, pushing Kili aside and tackling Fili to the ground where she started punching him furiously.

"Veruca! What the devil are you doing?!" Montgomery rushed over when he saw the commotion. Kili grabbed her from behind and tried lifting her off his brother when she brought a stiff elbow straight into his groin, dropping her straight back down onto Fili.

"I want a damn goose!" She screamed over and over again. Montgomery was now trying to break Veruca off of Fili now that Kili was on the ground wincing in pain with his hands cupped over his family jewels.

"And this is why I don't have children." Wanker commented from the side. Cheryl and Mike were just staring at the commotion helplessly.

"Veruca, stop this nonsense!" Montgomery shouted.

"Give me a goose and I will!"

"Not happening sweetie." Wanker answered.

"Then you will pay!" She screamed with a demonically deep sounding voice.

"I swear this girl is possessed or something!" Fili screamed from beneath Veruca's punches. Montgomery finally lifted her off before she shoved him aside and ran over towards the packing table. Then she went rampaging, flying bag stuffing, ribbons and packing material everywhere. The Oompi Loompi's struggled to make sure she didn't break anything, but it was no use, she was raising Hell and smashing everything in that room to bits.

"If you won't give me a goose, i'll get one myself!" She shrieked.

"Go ahead, i'd like to see you try." Wanker said provokingly.

She then started running towards the geese as fast as she could. Wanker's eyes widened in disbelief.

Kili looked up from the ground. "Why would you say that!? Are you out of your mind!?"

"I didn't think she'd actually do it!"

"I want you!" Veruca pointed at one in the front row and ran straight towards it with arms held out straight in front of her.

"Stop! I wouldn't approach them like that if I were you!" Wanker warned, even though he knew already she would ignore it.

"C'mere you!" She shouted and then all Hell broke loose... again (as if it hadn't already).

If you've ever been in a city square and saw a child run into a group of pigeons that then took off and scattered in every direction, imagine that same scene only increase the size of the birds several dozen times and then confine it all in one room. That is exactly what happened.

The geese were everywhere and the room was suddenly flooded with the sounds of their beaks honking. No one was safe. It was pure chaos. Everyone ran for cover, but the angry geese began attacking everything. Wanker was being held back as he tried to run from two geese that were biting the bottom of his coat while another goose began biting Cheryl's arm as she whacked it on the head with her purse as another gnawed at her ankle. Mike ran and hid under the packing table and Montgomery was lying down on the ground with his hands held over his head as one goose stood on top of him, mercilessly jabbing it's beak at his upper back.

Strangely though, none were attacking Fili or Kili. It was as though they were invisible to the geese.

"Why are none attacking us?" Kili asked.

Fili sniffed himself, then his brother. "We still smell like the soap from that stupid car."

Then Veruca's voice rang out above the chaos. "Help me!" Everyone (well _mostly_ everyone) looked on in horror as they saw Veruca literally being carried away by a horde of geese like a person crowd surfing. Wanker and Mike were smiling.

"Someone help me!" Veruca cried again. Montgomery's fatherly instincts must've kicked in as he sprang up from the ground and ran over to save his daughter. His courageousness was quite inspiring, but unfortunately, he wasn't so successful as he too was captured by the geese and was also carried away in the same manner as his daughter.

Soon after, the massive horde of geese cleared the room and emptied out into the hallway with both Veruca and Montgomery's cries slowly fading in the distance, leaving the Golden Egg Room an utter mess with feathers falling everywhere to the floor like snow in an eerie silence.

"Great just great." Wanker sighed. "Now there's a horde of giant, wild, angry, geese roaming around the factory." He dialed his phone and waited for Lily to pick up. "And now my assistant isn't answering her phone."

"Are they gonna be ok?" Cheryl asked. Fili noticed her rubbing her arm trying to sooth the pain. _She's gonna have a huge bruise there tomorrow, guarantee._

Wanker dug his phone back into his pocket and fished for his pill container. "I honestly don't care."

Kili brushed off a few feathers from his shoulder. "So what happens now?"

Everyone gasped quietly as they saw Wanker down the rest of the pills that were in his pill container in a single gulp. He took a few more deep breaths. "We continue on with the tour of course." he fixed his coat and led everyone back out into the hallway and began leading them once more.

* * *

Alarms blaring. Fires burning. Sprinklers showering. Lights flickering. Chocolate flooding. Violet wrecking. And now the geese were... rampaging. The factory was falling apart. Literally. There was absolutely no order. Basically everything that shouldn't be happening, was happening. Everything that could go wrong, was going wrong.

Oompi 465 was running down one of the basement levels with a duffle bag full of his belongings, he was getting out, he didn't care how he got out, as long as he did. Oompi Loompi's-_Screw it let's just call them what they really are_-CLONES were running everywhere, half of them weren't even in their uniforms. With the state the factory was in, he highly doubted anyone would care.

The lights were flickering in the hall when he ran into a group of other clones being lead by 189.

"You can't go that way."

"Why not?" 465 asked.

"The chocolate is rising up stairwell 6. This floor is next to be flooded. You need to go up to a higher level."

"Is there anyone trying to fix that damn river?"

Suddenly the hallway began to shake and rock violently as what sounded like thunder began to approach. It was Violet.

She must've passed several rooms nearby as the thundering sound and shaking began to fade.

"Alot of things are supposed to be getting fixed in this chaos. I doubt any of it is happening. We're heading up to the Licorice Room. 31 wants to hold a meeting with as much of us as he can."

"A meeting? I just came from there! What kind of meeting?" 465 was confused. 31 was among their 'elders' and he was well respected.

"We don't know, but it sounds important. Will you join us?"

"I don't really have a choice in this madness do I?"

Outside, reporters from various news agencies were starting to take notice of the smoke beginning to rise from several windows as well as the chocolate beginning to seep out of the ground in the surrounding areas outside the factory like tar pits

465 clutched onto his bag as he followed the group back towards the Licorice Room. He had woken up that morning with the thought that it would just be another boring and glum working day only with a few guests. He wondered how it all happened so quickly. Then he remembered what he said to the two dwarves he met earlier.

_Help us... if you can._

* * *

**THANKS FOR READING! (follow/fave/review if you want)  
**

**This chapter is definitely more crackish and I had a blast writing it. Obviously, with the geese, this is a parody of the classic film than Tim Burton's film.  
**

**Veruca's possessed-zombie like behavior is somewhat inspired by the first zombie girl you see in the 2004 film Dawn of the Dead. **

**Hopefully you're all getting the sense that the factory is totally falling apart because that is _EXACTLY_ what's happening... and it's not over yet. =)**


	11. Chapter 11: Fuzzy Lifting Drinks

**Chapter 11: Fuzzy Lifting Drinks**

"So they're not Oompi Loompi's then, they're clones!" Cheryl gasped.

Several Bilbos ran past the five of them, Wanker was apparently too drugged out from his anxiety pills to even worry about it at all. Some of the Bilbo's gasped when they saw Wanker and ran even quicker. The lights in the hallway were flickering as Wanker lead them down it briskly.

"Yup!" He slurred loudly. "I cloned them all!"

Fili and Kili looked at one another with concern over the elf's state. Wanker's speech was definitely slurred and he walked around the way Jack Sparrow would after about a 4th bottle of rum. They were amazed that he was still able to walk straight.

Cheryl quickly walked up next to him "So why are you hiding them? Cloning is no longer illegal in Middle Earth."

"The only reason to hide them would be if you weren't caring for them properly." Fili said loudly. "Is this facility up to code with everything?"

"How are their living quarters?" Cheryl asked.

"How do you feed all of them?" Mike asked.

"Do you have a plan for-"

"Enough with the questions!" Wanker interrupted.

Fili found the courage to speak up. "I've never heard of ANY clone ever leaving this factory. Do you ever release them from service?"

"No."

"You're using them like cattle!" Cheryl gasped. "You're keeping them here against their will! You monster!"

"I am not a monster! This particular Hobbit that I found was very FOND of chocolate, this is paradise for them!" Wanker argued.

"Excuse me..." Kili butted in, "Sorry, but I gotta pee like a balrog, where is the nearest bathroom?"

Wanker rolled his eyes. "All the way back down the hall we came, take a left around the corner just after the Fuzzy Lifting Drinks Room... you should see it."

After hearing the directions, Kili took off with his brother trailing behind.

"Do you really have to follow me?" Kili asked while running.

"You're still a minor."

* * *

Fili waited in the hallway as Kili entered the bathroom to do his business. As he waited, his attention quickly wandered and he snooped around the corner. The hallway had become eerily quiet except for the sounds of an explosion or two off in the distance every couple of minutes. It was also empty and deserted. Fili's boots would almost echo with every step.

He wandered over to the large opening in the hallway wall that was The Fuzzy Lifting Drinks Room. _What was a Fuzzy Lifting Drink?_ Kili had asked that when they passed earlier, but Wanker was too drugged out on his pills to even notice the question being asked. Curious, Fili decided to take a small peek inside.

There was nobody in the room. To the left of the room was literally, a small bar counter and a shelf full of identical bottles and in the center of the room there was a pool-sized jacuzzi thing that was partially covered in large heaping mountains of bubbles and suds.

_Is this the Fuzzy Lifting Drinks Room or a VIP Party Room?_

The bottles looked heavy, like those meant for wine or champagne and were adorned with decorative metal that entwined the entire bottle with elven designs.

Fili looked up to the ceiling and his jaw dropped when he realized that the room was at the base of what must've been one of the factory's largest chimneys. It must've been at least 150 feet to the spinning fan at the top.

"A-HA!" Fili jumped at the sound of his brother's voice. He turned to see Kili pointing at him with a strong finger. "See? I'm not the only one here who wanders off!"

"I wasn't gonna touch anything." Fili watched Kili with confusion as he saw his brother dip his hands in the jacuzzi. "What are you-?"

"Urinal didn't flush, sinks weren't working. Gotta wash my hands somewhere." The lights flickered again.

Fili smirked and walked over to the bar and grabbed a bottle and began reading it's label. "It makes you fly?"

"What? No way!" Kili grabbed a bottle and began reading too. After reading for several seconds, the corners of his mouth rose into a devilish grin.

"Kili, I know that look. Don't you dare!"

"Seriously Fi, have you seen the condition of the factory right now? How is anyone gonna possibly notice? There's no one even in here."

"Because i'm supposed to be watching you, now give me back that bottle!" As he reached out to grab it, Kili recoiled.

"Kili!"

"Just a sip!"

"No! Give it to me!"

Soon the two began chasing each other around the room with Kili clutching the bottle tightly the same way an insecure little girl would hug a teddy bear. As he ran, Kili began unscrewing the bottle and began chugging it down.

"Kili!" Fili shouted one more time as he stopped, huffing and puffing out of breath. "I swear you're gonna get it one of these days. Big time."

"Why'd you stop brother? You thirsty?" Kili laughed devilishly. "Tastes kinda crappy actually, like bland watered down ginger ale. You want a sip?"

"No."

"Ok suit your-AHHH!" The black haired dwarf began levitating off the ground. Fili caught him by the leg, but then he was pulled up into the air as well, quickly ascending in height.

"F-Fi?" Kili cried in fear.

"You're the one flying you dimwit! I'm the one hanging on for my life!"

"Here! Sip before you let go!"

Extremely annoyed at the fact that he really had no choice, he grabbed the bottle from Kili and began chugging. Soon after, he began feeling just as weightless as his brother and found the courage to let go.

Quickly, both brothers overcame the fear of falling and began enjoying themselves.

Fili gave his brother a stern warning as he somersaulted in the air, "You know i'm going to kill you when we get down right?"

Kili only lay back with his hands behind his head as though he were sitting on an invisible beach chair "Meh... worth it." As he tilted his head back he looked up and saw the fan approaching. Then he wondered, "How exactly DO WE get down?"

The two brothers looked at their surroundings. They were already a good 3/4ths of the way up the chimney and the sound of the massive fan was getting louder. Their enjoyment began to die as panic began to set in.

"We're rising pretty quickly. What does the bottle say?"

Fili read the bottle: "**Do not drink more than one cup. Effects may last up to one hour.**"

"One hour!? We chugged on it like it was ale! The bottle's almost empty!"

Both brothers looked at each other, then at the massive fan that spun above them.

"Quick, try and find something to hold onto!" The two searched the chimney walls, but there was nothing but smooth concrete. They kept drifting as the fan drew ever near.

"We have to burp!"

"We can't burp, it's a parody! We have to do something else!"

"Fart?"

"Family Guy took that idea!"

Fili shook his fists and kicked his feet in mid air as he shouted in frustration.

"There's nothing to hold onto!" Kili started screaming and grabbing his hair in desperation while spinning in circles, "I'm so sorry Fili! We're both gonna die a horrible death and its all my fault!"

Kili latched onto his brother and bear hugged him in mid air while Fili continued reading the bottle frantically looking for anything that would help. With less than 10 feet left between them and the massive fan, Fili thought of a crazy idea. It was a gamble, but he couldn't think of any other options and did it anyways. He flew the bottle into the fan.

Half the bottle shattered, but the thick glass of the bottleneck and the metal twining got jammed under one of the blades and the entire fan came to a screeching, sparking halt.

Their heads finally bumped against the now-still blades of the fan and they held themselves beneath it so they wouldn't float away into the sky.

"Well this is great! What do we do now?!" Kili tried shaking his bangs away from his eyes.

"Remember that awkward lesson mama told us when we were young about if we ever ate poison?"

Kili paused and searched his memories...

*INSERT FLASHBACK HARP SOUND-EFFECT*

* * *

Dis was cooking dinner. They had all just come back from visiting little Ori who was in Oin's care. Young Ori had drank a whole bottle of Dori's carpet cleaner thinking it was soda and now the poor little fellow was getting his stomach pumped. Horrible experience, but he lived.

Her two dwarflings were sitting on stools at the table, feet dangling and swinging high above the ground beneath them. She figured it would be an important lesson for her boys to know.

"Now boys, if you ever find yourself having eaten or drank poison or something you shouldn't have, you may need to puke it up."

"Eww... I hate puking" Fili shook his head and tugged on his braids in disgust.

"How do you make yourself puke, Mama?" Kili seemed very intrigued by the idea.

"Well..." She began started doubting herself on whether or not this was a good lesson to be taught after all. "You stick a finger down your throat as far in and deep as you can and push both down and forward."

"You mean like this?"

"Kili no!"

BBLLEEAAAUGGHH!

* * *

*INSERT FLASHBACK HARP SOUND-EFFECT AGAIN*

"Yeah!" Kili answered.

The two looked at each other awkwardly and with one hand still holding them down, they each stuck a finger down their own throats and emptied their stomachs.

Slowly, they felt their weight return and they latched onto the edges of the fan blades, now hanging on for dear life.

"Well we didn't plan this well AT ALL! Now what!?" Kili screamed

"We let go!"

"WHAT?! Are you INSANE!?" Kili's legs kicked as he struggled to hold himself.

The fan started to shake and the bottle twining was starting to slip.

"You're gonna have to trust me Ki! That jacuzzi thing looks pretty deep!"

The fan blade violently jerked a few inches.

"Jump!" And both brothers let go and plummeted to the bottom of the chimney, landing straight into the giant jacuzzi with two big splashes of suds.

They emerged from the suds like two abominable snowmen with respiratory problems.

"Good call." Kili said as he shook off the mountains of suds from his shoulder.

"You're welcome."

"Sorry for-"

"Just don't say anything."

CLANK

They saw a piece of metal sheeting land on the floor in front of them. They looked up to see the fan, still jammed, beginning to break under pressure in the same manner as the chocolate distribution machine in the candied paradise room. Nuts and bolts began popping and the entire fan began shaking under pressure.

"Get out! Get out!" Fili shouted.

Then the center of the fan exploded into flames as it unjammed itself at the same time.

* * *

Outside, the news reporters and crowd of spectators gasped as they felt a deep boom as they witnessed a small explosion of flames shoot out of the top of the factory's highest chimney.

* * *

After spinning violently and awkwardly with sparks and flames, the support beams gave way and the entire fan began to collapse along with parts of the top of the chimney that surrounded it.

Fili and Kili ran out and fell onto the hallway floor as the enormous fan crashed and destroyed the Fuzzy Lifting Drinks Room behind them, leaving it a burning ruin.

Annoyed, Kili pounded his fists on the ground, "Why does EVERYTHING in this factory get destroyed so easily and dramatically!"

"At least we're not floating anymore..." Fili brushed some of the dust covered suds off his shoulders.

Fili stood up and tried squeezing water out of his hair. "I'm serious this time Kili. We are NOT straying off on our own for the rest of this tour." He helped his brother off the floor. They were soaked to the toe again. Their boots squeaked and squished loudly as they rushed back to join the others.

* * *

31 stood atop the upside down crushed and mangled mess that was once the Wankermobile and the licorice making machine. Hundreds were gathered before him.

"Brothers! The time is now!" He announced.

465 pushed forward through the crowd to get a closer view.

"For years we have lived in isolation from the world! For years we have lived in fear and on our knees serving the one who thinks of himself as our master! But I have something to tell you..."

The crowd grew quiet.

"This is not LIFE! Life is out there!" He pointed to the rooms only window which provided the only natural light in the room.

"For years he has kept us here under the threat that what lies beyond these walls is nothing but evil and cruelty! But I refuse to believe that! I do not!"

Many of the clones were nodded and spoke in agreement, others were skeptical.

"How do you know? You haven't been out there!" One cried.

"Indeed, I haven't, but what is life in here? We work for hours upon hours, day after day all for what? Some chocolate?! And if we mess up, if we don't make quota, if we so much as utter a word of a complaint what happens then? Look what happened to 92!" The mentioned clone joined him on the pile and took off his shirt and turned to reveal his back, covered in long scars. Gasps rose from the audience.

92 began his testimony, "I had been sick for a week and when I returned to work, Wanker ordered my quota and work hours be doubled to make up for it. I was tired and I accidentally ruined a large batch of his Chocolate Nougat Nuggets. He told me that I knew what to expect should I ever screw up like that again."

"He would release you from service?" A clone asked

"Listen to me brothers!" 31 began again, "Every single brother that has been 'released' from service promised us that they would write back to us one day. They ALL promised us that they would come back to visit. And tell me, have any of them done so!?"

Whispers and murmurs of suspicion arose as they began to realize that none had ever done so.

"I don't know what he does to those he 'releases' from service, but I don't think it's anything that we're thinking it to be. Is that going to be the fate for all of us!? Are we going to be stuck here for the rest of our lives!?"

The crowd started cheering.

"Look around brothers! Fate has given us a chance!"

The clones were growing restless and the cheers were getting louder.

"This factory isn't run by Wanker! It's run by us! This is our lives! We are in charge of it! Our time has come!"

"What do we do!?" 465 shouted

"Find the elf! Capture him! Then we get out of here and give him a taste of his own medicine!"

The crowd went wild.

"Wait!" Cried 103, "How are we supposed to do that? We don't have weapons!"

The clones quickly chattered amongst themselves.

31 grinned, "We'll MAKE WEAPONS!"

"With what?"

* * *

**THANK YOU FOR READING!**

**Hope you liked the Dis cameo. When planning this out, I knew I had to fit Dis in there somewhere, somehow.**

**I had to post this chapter a bit earlier than usual because Hurricane Ana is supposedly gonna bring some storming to my state. She was first expected to graze the southwestern tip of my island, but now it looks as though she's just gonna pass us by.  
**

**FAVE/FOLLOW/REVIEW if you wish!**


	12. Chapter 12: White Noise

**Chapter 12: White Noise**

"Are you sure it's still safe to be in this factory?" Fili asked. Wanker continued leading them down long hallways. Every so often, they would pass a window overlooking the lower parts of the factory, much of which was on fire in several locations. Every couple of seconds, a small explosion would rock the factory like fireworks going off in the distance.

Cheryl clutched her purse in worry, "The factory's on fire Wanker, aren't you going to do anything about it? Shouldn't we be getting out of here?"

"Oh don't worry about it, the Oompi Loompi's have it under control, i'm sure of it."

Kili rolled his eyes. "The clones you mean?"

Wanker ignored the question and stopped before a pair of double doors and spazzed for a few seconds, staring at the digital security panel. Everyone waited silently and awkwardly behind him. He swayed slightly from side to side and let out a little frustrated hum.

"Just give me a moment... I know it, I know it..."

The remaining four in the group were unsure of what to do. They all flinched when Wanker suddenly gave the door a strong head butt, followed by another... and another.

"Think! Think! Four stupid numbers!" He muttered to himself as he slammed his forehead into the door over and over again.

Mike reluctantly stepped forward and punched in 4 numbers into the security pad. **1234**. The door clicked and unlocked. Wanker turned to look at the boy with a drugged out smile. "Thank you... You really didn't need to, I would've remembered it eventually."

The room was white. Just white. Everything was white. The room was circular and in the very center was a white circular platform. Pointing at the platform was an enormous futuristic looking gun, which was also white. Across the white gun was a white desk with a glass touch screen display as well as a TV screen which was a white as well.

"The white is kind of hurting my eyes." Cheryl complained with squinted eyes.

Kili looked around. "Did Lady Galadriel design this place or something?"

"Just wait here a second." Wanker went into a side closet and everyone else waited as they heard the sounds of things clattering and being tossed around. "Aha! Found it!"

A few seconds later, he came out with a gigantic surfboard sized Wanker bar. Kili gasped at the sight of it. "You don't sell those in stores do you?"

Wanker dropped it onto the center platform "No, we don't."

Cheryl raised her hand, "I'm sorry, but, you still haven't told us what exactly this room is and what it's for."

"Oh yes! That's right. This is the Wankervision Room." Wanker walked behind the counter and began pressing random icons and buttons.

Fili tilted his head to the side, "Wankervision?"

"Yes, we are on the eve being able to send samples of our very own chocolate right to television sets all across the world."

"Why does the chocolate bar have to be so big?" Fili asked.

"Things get lost when traveling, do they not?"

"I suppose."

"Pfft yeah right. This is all BS. That's impossible." Mike scoffed.

Wanker glared at him quickly. "Mike do me a favor and look at the glass ball on the top of the gun right there"

Mike looked at it "Why?"

Without warning, Wanker pressed a large red button on the desk and the entire room lit up in one blinding flash of light.

"GAAAAH! MY EYES!" Mike fell to the floor with his hands held over his eyes in pain. Everyone else groaned and rubbed their eyes in confusion.

"Was that necessary!?" Cheryl barked as she helped her son off the ground.

Wanker chuckled and he pulled out safety goggles from under the desk, "Whoops, forgot to mention that you needed to wear these."

Kili noticed that the massive chocolate bar was gone, "Where's the chocolate bar?"

"It's moving through space as we speak." Wanker said and he turned on the television screen. Playing was a Wanker TV commercial and it seemed to pause on the last shot which was of a Wanker Bar.

"Go ahead, grab it." Wanker said.

Everyone stood there, staring at it in disbelief. Finally, Kili stepped forward and took it. It was real.

"That's amazing!" Cheryl gasped, "Mike, did you see that? Mike? Are you ok? ...Mike?"

Mike just stood there with a gaping mouth and wide eyes.

Kili waved his hands in front of Mike's face and snapped several times, "Hello? Earth to kid. Earth to kid. You there?"

"Mike Hawke! Why aren't you listening to me!?"

The dark-haired dwarf side eyed his brother. Both tried not to snicker.

Mike finally started speaking. "Do you have an idea what you have here Wanker!?" He was talking as though he had just witnessed the discovery of a cure for cancer.

"Yes, the Wankervision Room." He answered back simply and plainly.

"You have a teleportation device!"

"Why yes, I do, how nice of you to notice."

"Have you tried teleporting people?!"

"No. I'd rather not try."

"Why not?"

"Because there's a difference between teleporting candy and teleporting living things because of some bio-energy stuff something like that, an Oompi Loompi tried explaining it to me."

"Have you SEEN them try?" Mike

"No."

Cheryl was growing concerned with her son's sudden spike in curiosity, "Where are you going with this Mike?" She asked.

"Move!" Mike shouted and he shoved Wanker aside and pressed the button before jumping over the desk and onto the platform.

Everyone screamed as the room light up once more in a massive flash of white light. The television screen turned into static.

"Where has he gone?" Cheryl screamed

"I honestly don't know, check the screen."

Everyone gathered around the screen. Static. Nothing else. Cheryl held her hands in front of her mouth, fearing the worst.

"Mom?"

Amidst the static, a small version of the boy was barely visible. His mom wiped her glasses.

"Mike Hawke! You've grown so small!"

Kili started snickering, "I'm sorry, what did you say?"

Cheryl turned to him, "I SAID-M"

"Don't repeat yourself!" Fili interrupted as he punched his brother hard in the stomach. "He heard you."

"Mom? I can hear you, but I can't see you."

"I can barely see you sweetie! I'm just happy you're still here!" She tried to reach into the static to grab him, but her fingers were met with the glass of the tv screen.

"Wha..? What is this? Wanker, why can't I grab him!?"

"Pfft. Hell if I know."

Cheryl started growling like a pitbull and then lost it. "You know what Wanker! This entire factory is a sham! You work clones here against their will! You lie to your customers! You put your guests in danger!"

Fili and Kili were actually getting scared by the amount of aggressive energy that was starting to come out of the old woman.

"And most of all LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO MY SON!"

Wanker looked around then back at her while pointing to himself, "Me? I'm sorry lady, maybe those glasses aren't strong enough to see, but i'm pretty sure it was your son who pressed the button himself and then chose to jump in front of the gun."

"You should've stopped him!"

"Me? He's your son!"

"Yes he is! Look at him, my poor baby stuck inside this screen." She then started starting talking to Mike as though he were a fish in an aquarium. "It's ok, mama's gonna find someone to get you out of there ok? Don't you go anywhere"

"Where on Earth could I POSSIBLY go mom? Seriously."

Cheryl picked up the television screen and started heading towards the door. Wanker only crossed his arms and tilted his head in curiosity. "And where do you think you're going with that?"

"To find someone to get him out of here!"

"Like...?"

"I don't know! Anyone but you!" She reached the door and then started struggling to open it while holding the screen. She moved the screen under the same arm that held her purse and then with her free hand, reached for the door handle. She was about to open it but then she had one last thing to say.

"And you know what? I NEVER LIKED YOUR CHOCO-" _**BOOM!**_

The door swung open inwards, hitting Cheryl and she dropped the television to the floor and the screen shattered into many pieces.

It was Lily. She rushed in hyperventilating with a bleeding bump on her head and parts of her shirt were tattered and torn. She was missing one of her heels as well. She slammed the door closed behind her back and turned to look at everyone else.

"The clones! They're starting a revolution!"

Cheryl gasped with her hands over her mouth at the shattered glass at her feet.

"MIIIIIIIKE!" Her bloodcurdling scream echoed and pierced the room like a hot knife through butter.

Wanker started walking towards Lily with a stern look on his face. "What are you talking about?"

"The clones!" She cried, "They all barged into my office and cornered me! They demanded to know where you were!"

"And you said?"

"I said I didn't know and they kept hitting me in the head with a bat they carved out of a giant candy corn!"

"And you said?"

"I said you were somewhere up here in the upper levels! Then Violet came crashing through the walls and it was utter chaos and I escaped!"

"Well?! Don't stop there! Where are they now?"

"They're looking everywhere for you!"

"To the elevator!" Wanker shouted as he and Lily bolted out the door. Fili and Kili ran after, but Wanker slammed the door closed on them before they could follow. They tried opening it again, but it wouldn't budge.

"He locked us in! That jerk locked us in!" Kili shouted as he pounded on the door. The brothers pounded and kicked at the door to no avail. Meanwhile to the side, Cheryl slumped to the ground next to the shattered TV and kept weeping.

"It won't open Kili! We need something to blast this door down."

Kili looked around and then grinned, "I have an idea."

He ran to the desk and put on a pair of safety goggles and tossed one to his brother.

"You think it'll work Fi?"

"Let's find out."

Fili ran to the giant laser and began pushing it around. Kili ran over to help and together they pushed the massive laser to face the door.

"Please work..." Kili slammed his hand down on the red button and the room lit up once more. When the light faded, there was a large gaping hole where the door was.

"Good call Ki."

The two ran out of the room while Cheryl remained by herself sitting on the ground, crying. Then her cell phone started ringing. Strange. Nobody ever calls her on a Saturday.

Confused and distraught, she looked at the caller ID. **Unknown caller**. She mustered her strength and stood up and answered with a shaky voice.

"H...h..hello?"

"**_Mom, you can stop crying now. I found a way to transfer myself wireless..._**"

* * *

**Thanks for reading! ****Sorry, this one came up a little late.**

**My original idea was to have Cheryl just drop the TV and have that be the end of it, leaving Mike's fate a complete mystery, but after a while it started bugging me and it seemed a bit... heartless. **

**Review/fav/follow if you wish! Only a couple more chapters left!**


	13. Chapter 13: Revolution

**Chapter 13: Revolution**

The two brothers darted down the hall.

"Where are we going, Fi?"

"I don't know. I thought you knew!"

"What elevator were they talking about?"

"How should I know?"

They ran down the hall until they came to the door to the emergency stairway. Kili swung the door open and they both came face to face with the heads of a dozen candy cane spears.

"Hold it right there!" Screamed a clone.

The brothers held their hands in the air. There was a mob of some 30-40 clones in the stairway all armed with makeshift weapons made out of candy.

"Grab them!"

"No! Don't grab them! That's the dwarves 465 was talking about!"

"The dwarves!?" The many clones in the stairway began chatting amongst themselves. The brothers eyed each other in confusion.

"They're the friends! Allies! They're the ones that have been helping us! Get them out of here!" The clones all started cheering as the spearheads were lifted as those nearest starting hugging them.

"Um.. we're trying to get out of here! This factory is no longer safe!" Fili explained.

"We're looking for the elf! We're not leaving this factory without him! Have you seen him?"

"He made a run for it! Looking for some sort of elevator he said." Kili answered.

"The elevator! He's gonna escape! We have to stop him! Follow us!"

The clones turned around and began charging down the stairs.

They went down several flights and back out onto another large hallway where they collided with another mob of clones frantically running in the opposite direction, urging them to turn around.

"Stop! Turn around! She's coming!" They all knew who "she" was.

They ran into the gigantic Marshmallow Room where Violet burst through a wall and stopped before them.

"HA! I've finally got you two cornered!" She screamed. Her voice was deep and gurgly sounding, probably because of the still-rushing fluids inside of her.

"Don't you dare harm them!" The clones shouted.

"And if I do, what are you little freaks gonna do about it!?" Violet asked. "You wouldn't harm a little girl! You're gonna pay for what you did to me! I'm gonna run you all over flat!"

She gave some extremely grotesque huffs and grunts and began lurching herself forward.

"No!" 465 seemingly came out of nowhere and thrust an extremely large unicorn lollipop into her.

Violet gasped and froze in place.

465 let go of the lollipop and quickly held his hands over his mouth. "Oh dear... what I have I done?"

Everyone screamed in horror as the unicorn lollipop shot back out and blueberry juice began shooting out of her. Violet began spinning around wildly and soon started to fly around like a loose fireman hose as the room rapidly flooded with juice.

Quickly enough, the room became a storming lake of juice that began emptying out into the hallway.

* * *

"Stop!" Wanker shouted, "Do you hear that?"

"What is it?" Lily asked.

The hallway began shaking until the doors at the far end burst open to free a tremendous torrent of blueberry juice that began surging towards them.

Wanker ran to the nearest stairwell with Lily following close. He slammed the door shut, locking Lily out in the hallway.

"Wanker you bastard!" She cried as she desperately tried to open the door.

"I always thought you were a horrible assistant!"

Her cries were drowned away with the surge.

* * *

The blueberry surge quickly subsided as it moved and drained to the lower levels. The two brothers as well as the mob of clones began to regroup.

"Mahal, This is disgusting." Kili complained as he tried to squeeze the juice out of his hair.

"At least your hair is black." Fili shot back. His golden-blonde hair was tainted with uneven shades of blue.

"We need to keep moving!" 465 said, "Quickly before the elf escapes!"

The clone began leading them down another hallway.

"He's gonna escape using the glass elevator." 465 began as he lead them through the halls. "It's located at the factory's top floor. It's really hard to get to, it's like a maze getting there."

"How is he gonna escape using an elevator?" Fili asked.

"It's not just any elevator, it's specially designed to fly and move in any direction."

"It's like his little escape pod."

"Exactly- The only thing I wonder is how he-"

CRASH! White feathers everywhere.

"What on Earth!?" 465 shouted. Geese were falling from the ceiling everywhere and began attacking them.

Kili kicked one off his leg, "They're coming from the ventilation shaft!"

"How did they even get in there!?"

"Run! There!" 465 pointed to the nearest room. They all ran into the room and shut the door behind them. It was the Soft Mint Room. There were shelves and shelves full of boxes and boxes upon boxes of it.

"Soft Mints?" Kili asked. "What is this, a knock-off of mint Mentos?"

"Pretty much. These hardly ever sell, I don't even know why Wanker keeps this room, it's a horrible waste of time and energy, just like The Licorice Room, The Raisin Room, The Fat-Free/Sugar-Free/Gluten-Free Cookie Room, The Diet Cola Room."

Once he mentioned the Diet Cola Room, it was as though a lightbulb went off in his head. "344, is the Diet Cola Room still intact?"

"Should be, Violet hasn't reached the upper floors." 344 answered

"And they didn't dump that last batch into the bottling tub did they?"

"No... They didn't." 344 smiled "Are you thinking what i'm thinking?" He asked him.

"I do believe so. Grab a box! Everyone grab a box, grab as much as you can! Find wagons! Carts! Anything!"

* * *

"Ugh... This is ridiculous. I can't believe i'm doing this." Wanker grumbled under his breath.

It was his own factory, yet he was sneaking around in it, trying to hide from his own workers. Every path he took was either blocked, destroyed, or swarmed with the clones. He had to resort to sneaking through the chocolate pipes to try to get to his elevator. The massive chocolate pipes were transparent in the candied paradise room, but once they entered the ceiling and around the rest of the factory, they become iron just like sewer pipes.

He was crawling on all fours in utter darkness, seeing with only but the light of his cellphone. The pipe was still wet with small chocolate puddles of it at the bottom.

"Although I must say, this is pretty genius, I highly doubt any of them will ever find me in here." He had been crawling for almost a full hour until-

"Mr. Wanker? Is zat you!?"

"AAAHHH!" Wanker dropped his phone and it landed in a small puddle of chocolate. His phone buzzed and the light went out leaving them in pitch darkness.

"My phone! No, no, no, no, no! Please work! Please work!" Wanker felt around for his phone until he found it. He tried turning it back on, but it wouldn't.

"Oh sank you! You have come to get me out of here! I'm safed!"

"No! No! No!" Wanker pounded his fists at the edge of the pipe

* * *

"Sshh! Listen... He's in the pipe."

The dwarf brothers looked up and listened. There was a barely noticeable banging sound and muffled scream of the elf coming from inside the pipe.

They were inside The Diet Cola Room. There was a large mixing tank the size of a farm silo and a large tub the size of an empty Olympic sized swimming pool. Above all four sides of the tub were large pitcher-like containers filled with Diet Cola, ready to be emptied into the tub. Surrounding the outsides of the bottom of the tub were small faucets for bottling the Diet Cola.

465 looked at the large chocolate pipe above them, "So that's where he's been hiding."

"We've got him!" 344 cheered.

"Find all exits from that pipe! Sack the elf when he gets out! Get some more mints! This tub needs to be filled at least half way!"

* * *

*huff*

*gasp*

"Must get out... must get out." Wanker mumbled to himself as he crawled as fast as he could.

He could still hear Augustus' cries in the distance, "Mr. Wanker? Where are you going!? Come back! Safe me!"

"Need to get out." He rounded a corner and saw a mere speck of light. "Yes!" He crawled even faster towards the light at the end of the tunnel. He wasn't claustrophobic, but he had a horrible fear of the dark. The sight of the speck sized light made him so eager to get out that he didn't even notice that he wasn't even crawling anymore but galloping and hopping awkwardly on all fours like a frog.

He had gotten into the pipe by climbing onto the edge of the giant hot fudge pot and carefully walking along the edge of it to get to the pipe and pulling himself up into it, but at this point, his desire for freedom was so great he didn't care about getting covered in fudge. He would jump into the fudge and get out, quickly and swiftly.

"Almost there!" He hopped faster. "So close!"

The light at the end of the pipe got brighter. He finally reached it and jumped out.

**POOM!**

* * *

"Will you look at that." Fili smirked.

"Ouch." Kili commented.

297 turned to 465 "Did you know the fudge had cooled solid?"

"No, I didn't! Honestly! I thought it was just very still and undisturbed."

297 jumped onto the hard surface of the fudge and walked towards the limp body of the elf and lifted Wanker's face out of the crater it made into the surface of the fudge.

"Now THAT'S a faceplant. The guy's out cold."

"He's not dead is he?" Kili asked

"No, he'll probably come out of it in within the hour."

"This just made everything a thousand times easier!" 297 started laughing.

465 clapped his hands together, "Alright, let's get to it! You all know what to do!"

The clones took Wanker's body and started binding his hands and feet.

"Poor guy really has no idea."

* * *

**THANKS FOR READING!**

** I DO apologize for the delay in this chapter. I normally say i'll upload on Friday, but I totally forgot about Halloween and how much of an extremely busy weekend it would be. I volunteered with my church Youth Group for their "Zombie Survival Night" while also, finishing, prepping and submitting an artpiece for an artshow and then went a short road trip with my church Young Adults group all in a 4 day period. It was pretty hectic. But fun.**

**Hope you enjoyed this chapter! Next one will be up on Saturday hopefully. And this next chapter will be the... *GASP* finale.**


	14. Chapter 14: Escape

**Chapter 14: Escape**

Blurry lights. Blurry ceiling. Slowly coming into focus. _What happened? Where am I?_

Wanker finally came to. He was bound at the ankles and wrists. He was laying on his back in a gigantic tub, filled with... _What are these things? MINTS?_ "Hey! Who did this to me!?"

"Who do you think?"

Far above the room, on a catwalk near the ceiling stood many of the clones as well as Fili and Kili.

"What is this? Some kind of joke!? Let me go!"

465 laughed, "Then let us go."

"Is this some kind of revenge stunt!? If it's freedom you want, i'll give it to you! Just let me go first!"

"For an elf, you're a horrible liar." 344 commented.

"You tortured and mutilated us for your profit and then disposed of us when we were of no more use to you. We don't want JUST freedom alone."

"Then what do you want?"

"Justice!" screamed 297.

"I'll pay you! I'll give you all riches beyond your knowledge! If you just let me go and promise not to tell anything!"

Fili rolled his eyes, "This guy can't be serious."

Kili started giggling, "It's actually kind of funny how desperate he is."

465 crossed his arms and responded back "Pay us with WHAT? Chocolate? As if we haven't spent our lives around enough of that. We all know the factory's going broke. You'll be bankrupt and out of business within a couple months. This little 'contest' you came up with gave you some profit, but not enough to get you out of the red. It is over for you Wanker. Our own time has come."

"And where will you go!? You all have no idea what's out there!"

And explosion rocked in the distance and the lights flickered.

"I'm pretty sure whatever is out there is better than what's happening in here."

"You're all making a horrible mistake! Let me go! I'll show you how I can make this a better place!"

"Yeah, I think we're done here." 465 turned around and spoke into a walkie talkie. "Dump it."

Wanker looked up and saw the four massive pitchers slowly beginning to tilt inwards above him. "Oh dear sweet mother of Eru Iluvatar!"

"Go!" The clones and the dwarf brothers ran out of the room and closed the hatch door behind them as Wanker was crushed beneath the torrential downpour of Diet Cola. The reaction with the mints began instantly.

Fili, Kili and the clones ran to the higher floors as the factory began shaking.

"Hurry! We might be able to see the last of it in time on the top floor!" 465 urged.

The Diet Cola Room filled in seconds with beige-colored carbonated foam. The hatch doors held well as the three windows of the Diet Cola Room burst and shattered open to release the pressure.

They finally reached the top floor and could see below them three massive Falls of Rauros-like torrents of foam shooting out of the factory below them.

"You think he survived that?" Fili asked.

465 watched as the massive rivers of foam slowly began dissolving into smaller streams and creeks of diet minty cola. "Possibly. He won't get far if he did." He turned to face the two brothers. "You two should probably get out of here in the elevator."

"Why the elevator?"

"It's going to get ugly in here pretty soon, as if it's not already. All those news reporters out there will want to know what happened here and I honestly don't know what to tell them, but I think it's best if you two just stay out of it all, plus it's just easier than having to navigate through what's left of this place."

"I understand. Just tell them the truth, they'll believe you." Fili said

"Hopefully." Kili commented.

"I just want to know, where will you guys go when it's all over?" Fili asked

465 scratched his head, "Find this Bilbo guy you speak of in The Shire for one, beyond that, we don't know. We might just keep this place and turn it into something better."

* * *

465 lead them to the end of a hallway and they stood before a pair of elevator doors.

"This is it. The Glass Elevator."

There was a 4 digit security code panel. The two brothers looked at each other with suspicion.

"It can't be that easy, can it?" Fili said as he punched in the numbers. **1234**.

The Elevator doors opened. The elevator appeared to be made completely out of glass and it was attached to the outside of the factory wall. It contained many clear buttons, hundreds maybe, all clear with white text saying where they go to and a steering wheel attached to one wall.

Before they could step inside, the doors to the room behind them suddenly burst open as well.

"HA! See! They knew the code!" Veruca screamed

"Everyone get in the elevator!" Lily shouted

"Moof out of za way!"

"Don't let the dwarves or the clones in!"

"What in the world!?" 465 screamed

Lily, Veruca, Violet, Augustus, Montgomery, George, Debbie and Cheryl had been hiding in the room behind them. The clones blocked the entrance.

"Where on Earth did all you come from!?" 344 demanded

"Hiding of course!" Lily shouted. "We were expecting Wanker to come up alone and we were gonna jump him for the elevator once he opened it because none of us knew the security code! But since you guys knew it, I guess it doesn't make a difference does it?!"

"Well at least nobody's dead. That's a good thing I suppose." Kili said only to be slapped hard across the face by Violet, who was still very blue, but had shrunk back to her normal size... and also with a lot of awkwardly loose skin and a large cut on her stomach.

"So where's Mike?" Fili asked

"He found Wanker's satellite and used it to beam himself to the world's largest internet arcade somewhere I don't know." Cheryl explained. She seemed irritated.

"All eight of you were planning on sharing that one elevator?" Fili asked confused.

"Yes, something wrong with that?" Veruca shot back. She had some geese crap in her hair and her father had some on his suit.

"Well it may be a tight fit just for two of you, don't want to mention any names." Kili commented

"Yeah! How did you guys get Augustus out of the pipe?"

"Long story," Montgomery answered, "Now MOVE let us in!"

"Look! Ze geese! Ze geese are coming!" Augustus cried. Further down the hall, a group of geese had spotted them and began charging towards them.

"Oh no you don't!" 297 shouted. "This way out wasn't meant for the likes of you folk!"

"Oh yeah!? We'll fight for it!" George challenged

"Bring it!" 344 charged into them.

Then the room exploded into a battle between clones, the geese and those left wanting to escape the factory. Amidst the chaos 465 saw a small window of opportunity.

"Fili! Kili! Quickly! Go!"

The two brothers ran into the empty elevator.

"What about you guys!?" Fili asked, holding the elevator doors open with his arm.

465 shoved Fili's arm back into the elevator, "Don't worry about us! We got this!" And with that said, the elevator doors closed, leaving Fili and Kili inside alone.

They searched the clear buttons all over the wall and saw one large one saying **LAUNCH**.

"I think this is the one Fi!" Kili said.

"Press it!"

Kili pressed it and the elevator detached itself from the factory wall and started hovering upwards around aimlessly.

Fili took a breath of relief and sat on the floor, leaning against a wall. His brother plopped down next to him.

Then all was quiet.

* * *

The two remained quiet for several minutes... until Kili started giggling for no reason.

Fili looked at him confused, "What is it now brother?"

Kili didn't answer but kept giggling. His giggles deepened into chuckles. Maybe it was a sibling thing, maybe it was just the long day they just had, but Fili soon followed and started laughing himself.

They playfully punched each other in the shoulders and kept laughing.

"This may be a stupid question but..." Kili started, "Want chocolate?" And he pulled out a chocolate bar that had been in his pocket the whole time.

They both roared into an even louder wave of almost drunken laughter.

Fili rolled onto the floor and looked down at the sight of the massive factory. Parts of it still burning, firetrucks trying to put out the fires on the lower floors. Some of the smaller chimneys had toppled over. The surrounding areas of white snow were stained blue and brown. It was really an amazing and surreal sight to behold.

"What happens now Fi?"

"We land somewhere and go home... I could use a shower right now."

"Yeah, you smell like burnt chocolate, blueberries, ash and soap."

"You do too."

"Do you even know how to land this thing?"

"HAhA... no. Do you?"

"Pfft. You didn't even let me in the driver's seat of the Wankermobile."

"So i'm taking that as a no?"

"No. I don't."

* * *

**THANKS FOR READING!**

**NO, it's NOT over yet! One last chapter next week! "One last time..." lol #Thorintrailerquote  
**

**This next chapter will be the epic conclusion to my first ever long/multi-chapter FanFiction story. There will be some short "cameos" from other Hobbit characters as well and it was the chapter I had the most fun with!**


	15. Chapter 15: Epilogue

**Chapter 15: Epilogue**

"You never told me I had an uncle!" Legolas followed quickly behind his father as they walked around the great halls of the Woodland palace.

"Legolas, you have an uncle. There." Thranduil held a goblet of wine in one hand and a briefcase in the other. He was walking quickly around the palace, gathering and looking for important papers and documents while Legolas remained hot on his tail.

"Is he your brother or mother's?"

"Mine."

"Older or younger?"

"Younger, thank heavens, could you imagine if he had inherited this kingdom?" He paused to take a sip from his goblet.

"Why do you despise him so much? Why was I never told of him? Why did he call himself _Woody Wanker_? Surely that's not what grandfather named him."

"Because the guy's a nutjob obsessed with candy. I mean seriously, everyone in this family forgot his real name because he kept GIVING himself that silly name and then got mad whenever we called him by his real name. Why? I'll honestly never know."

He stopped at a table and packed some more papers into his briefcase.

"There's more you're not telling me is there?"

Thranduil paused and took a breath. "Fine, i'll tell you." He set his briefcase down and sat on a chair facing his son, before taking another sip from his goblet. "What if I told you that the throne I sit on is not the ORIGINAL throne of this kingdom?"

Legolas tilted his head in curiosity and suspicion "What do you mean?"

"The real throne of The Greenwood was magnificent. It was carved into a massive tree that had leaves that sparkled and shimmered like starlight. It was the last tree of it's kind. The seed itself was a gift to my father from..."

*awkward pause*

Thranduil took another sip from his goblet. "I forgot who, but I know it was someone important."

"And what about it?"

"He killed it."

"Who did?"

"Who do you think?"

"What!? Him? Why would he do such a thing!?"

"I told him not to. My father told him not to. I warned him many times, but he kept saying that the sap it produced would make for an amazing candy syrup."

"And?"

"Right after our father died, he pounded a pipe into it anyway. He was wrong. It tasted horrible AND the tree withered and lost all it's life and light JUST IN TIME for my coronation ceremony. *sigh* I wanted to sit on that throne so badly, but no, I get that ugly moose horn thing."

"Wow. That's quite a grudge you got there."

"No, not a grudge, it just still irritates me today even though it happened several thousand years ago. So anyway, I must go to court. They need to hear my side of his story."

"That you're his brother?"

"Yes."

"To persuade them not to send him to jail?"

"No! I'm testifying against him! I WANT that guy locked up for good! We can't have the likes of like him roaming free in these lands!"

"Ok. What a loving brother you are."

"Oh please, i'm doing him a favor. The guy needs help. He'll get lots of it behind bars." He took another sip from his goblet. "Oh and by the way, just because I won't be home doesn't mean you can use my hair straightener."

* * *

Bilbo sat in his comfy living room chair and sipped his tea in front of his television. Unusual for him to be rather well dressed at this time of night, but he was for a reason. He received a rather odd phone call from some old dwarf friends telling him to be expecting a large company of friends at his hole in Bag End before the evening's end. ALOT of friends apparently. Not sure how much "alot" was, he cooked a large meal, enough for 12. If any large company of friends were to show up it couldn't possibly be any larger than Thorin's company when they stumbled at his door the first time he met them, he thought to himself, much less have all of them be just as hungry.

Who exactly these "friends" were, he didn't know. They wouldn't give any details. That bothered him.

He took another sip of his tea and flipped through the stations and stopped on MENN (Middle-Earth News Now). Apparently there's a sentient computer virus known as "MikeyBoy57" going around attacking online arcades and mmorpg headquarters all over Middle-Earth, creating it's own personal account on every game and dominating and defeating everyone else on it in seconds causing servers to crash everywhere.

Montgomery Zass was still running for whatever he was trying to run for. He's never been elected ever in his decade or so of campaigning and trying for various positions and seats. Montgomery Zass was for all, but no one ever wanted it... him.

*knock knock knock*

_That must be them_. Bilbo got up from his seat and straightened out his suit and quickly went to the door. He opened it and found himself face to face with... himself.

"...hello?" He said. It wasn't really a greeting, it was more of a question of whether or not what was in front of him was real or a hallucination.

"Hello! You must be Bilbo."

"Yes... And you are?"

"My name is 465."

Bilbo stared at him nervously for a few seconds and then held out his hand and 465 shook it.

"You must have so many questions."

Bilbo couldn't take his eyes off 465, it was like staring into a mirror. Like watching himself through a dream or in another universe.

"I do. I was told there would be a large company of friends. Are you by yourself?"

"Oh no! They're here." He was quickly joined by one and then two and then another two and then in a matter of seconds, all of Bag End was completely surrounded by replicas of himself. Soon, every door and every window was filled entirely with copies of his own heads peering inside.

Bilbo's throat went dry and he tried gulping, "And how many of you are there?"

"Well we didn't actually get a head count, but i'm sure there's more than 500 of us."

Bilbo bent over and rested his hands on his knees and took a few deep breaths to regain his train of thought.

Despite the massive amount of company surrounding his house, he could still hear his neighbors as well as the rest of Hobbiton looking outside their homes and talking about the odd scene surrounding Bag End.

Hamfast Gamgee had walked over to the road nearby and began shouting "Mr. Bilbo!? What is the meaning of this!? Is this some kind of circus sorcery?!"

"Everything's fine! I'm just..." He stood up and looked around. Everywhere his eyes went, it was met with another pair of his own staring straight back.

"You alright?" 465 asked nicely with a smile.

"I'm fine. I just... It's nice." He took a deep breath. "It nice to meet all of y-"

PLOP!

"He fainted." 297 commented.

"That's why I told you guys don't show up all at once so quickly!"

* * *

Over the next 4 years, the cloned Bilbo's retook the factory and eventually restored it, salvaged it, remodeled it and turned it into a massive cooking university complete with a large food court that was open to the public.

With Wanker Candies gone, Augustus lost over 200 pounds, but then gained it all back again after the clones opened their food court to which he and his mother both became frequent patrons.

Violet slowly over time lost her blueness and eventually went back to her normal state, but had to get plastic surgery to remove the large amounts of loose skin. As an apology, Kili really did buy her tickets to a One Direction concert. She was so happy about it that she began to stalk him persistently until he filed a restraining order against her.

Veruca developed a horrible case of ornithophobia (fear of birds), geese specifically. Her fear became so bad that she refused to watch TV because of Aflac commercials. Montgomery continues to campaign and still hasn't been elected anywhere for anything.

Cheryl, concerned about her son becoming a massive supervirus that kept attacking and hacking online arcades and gaming sites, returned to college and took up computer programming and software development. With the help of Gandalf, they eventually trapped and confined Mike to a flash drive and a laptop. To this day, they're still stuck on how to get him back to the real world.

Lily couldn't find a job after the factory incident, but eventually (and coincidentally) found herself back at the factory-now-cooking-university working as a linen maid washing napkins and table cloths.

Wanker went to prison and received therapy for his candy obsession, which got worse after his admission to the point where he ate bars of soap in the bathrooms thinking of them as white chocolate bars and marzipan.

As for Fili and Kili... they still have the glass elevator. They eventually learned how to fly it manually and often used it to visit friends far away and to scout for areas to hunt while Thorin uses it to travel around Middle-Earth for diplomatic trips.

While many things changed, Kili's love for chocolate still remained.

**THE END**

* * *

**It's over! *teardrop* Thank you for reading!  
**

**Thank you to those who have been reading from the start and for staying with! Will this be my last fanfiction? I honestly don't know. Short stories maybe, but I cannot guarantee that I will write anything this long again although I have some very vague ideas that could be developed.**

**I just want to announce that I finally got my first job and I start tomorrow working in a (can you believe it?) A candy/cookie factory. LOOOL. Life is crazy. Thank you. Hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it! Until next time. ALOHA.**


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